You are in a very complicated situation. Blended families are very hard. I want you to know that I read your original question and felt for you immediately but didn't know how to respond right away. It has bothered me for days though. I too am a Mother and Step mother. I also have the added bonus of being a step-child too. I've lived in the "step" world since I was 7 years old and not that it makes me an expert but "been there, STILL doing that". Just to give you a little background...I am 35, Mother of a 3 yr. old girl, step mother to 2 girls ages 11 and 15. I've been with them for 10 years. They do not live with us full time, though all would love for that to happen, but they feel a sense of responsibility to their mother since she is more like the child. The girls will come to me more than either of their biological parents, but it hasn't always been that way. It's been a lot of work, trial, error, tears, and joys.

There are so many things that complicate the meshing of blended families.  What works for one, may not work in others so that is where trial and error come in. The main things I've found to be the most important are respect, communication, trust and LOVE. Those are the basic's for any good relationship anyway but with step families they are realllllly important. Also, there can't be any separatism. Even though mine don't live here full time we don't favor them. The house rules are in place with or with out their presence. They know what is expected of them and what boundaries there are. There is no yours, mine and ours. It is all one household. I chose my husband, which means I chose all that comes with him. I can't separate myself just because something isn't easy. One thing I knew early on was I wasn't going to make my step children feel the way my step mother made me feel sometimes. Which was NOT good most of the time. I remember growing up feeling like I didn't ask for this life...they gave me this life...wasn't it their job as my parents to make sure I felt happy and loved and wanted. Remind yourself of that when things get tough. They didn't ask for their situation, their parents gave it to them and they are just trying to survive too.

First you have remember that respect is not something given or deserved...it's EARNED!! You have to earn it from them and they have to earn it from you. Trust is big too. It's hard to trust people when you feel threatened by them. They probably feel threatened that you've taken away from them with their Dad. AND you probably feel threatened by them sabotaging your household in different ways. Then there is communication. This is the BIG one. So many things go wrong when there is poor communication. And good communication takes a lot of work. It's hard to be clear about how you feel, why you feel it and what can be done about it. Put the added factors of blame, defensiveness, and "you're not my mother" into it and communication can break down real fast.

It will be hard but communication is where you should start. You should first discuss this with your husband. Be clear about how you feel physically and emotionally. BUT don't blame, point fingers or demand. That will make him defensive. Say something like..."I feel tired and overwhelmed and could use some regular help with -(insert your need). It would be helpful if (insert names) could help me pick up, vacuum, put away, fold, wash...bla bla bla. Maybe we could come up with a household plan that would work for all of us together". Asking for help as a mom is HARD but you do need help. After you and he come up with a plan have a "family meeting". Be honest with them, ask them for help too. Let them know you're there to help them too. Ask them if you can try the new plan and see if it works. Get updates from them through out the process to see if it is working. If not, try something else. Communicate!! In that process you will see that trust, respect and love will come from it. You also could go to your local library, there are plenty of helpful books on this subject. (I've used a quite a few) There are also family counselors that can be very helpful. (we've used one off and on for 7 years). I know this is a long response...it could be a lot longer too. Just remember it's not an easy situation for all involved. Stay strong, be calm, and get ready for some work! Believe me it will be worth it in the end. Best of luck to you. Feel free to keep me updated!

Smile, it increases your face value! Jodi