not sure what to say..
am completely new to this whole Forum thing, but i need some advice and im hoping that some one can give me a little bit of encouragement and a little bit of insite to my problem.... alright here goes..
My sons father left when he was 4 months old, and my son now just turned 3. His dad has not seen him or had any thing to do with him since he left, execpt for a few dollars here and there when the courts get on his ass about child support. well back in April he got ahold of me and told me that he wanted to b a father and he wanted to be there for troy, and i told him that if he wanted to be there that this was going to be his one and only chance to show me he wanted to be a dad to my son.. Well he never called me back after that day, so my assumtion was he didnt want to be a dad.. ok fine i'll deal with it.. but now the last week my son has been asking for a dad like his friends have.. and i dont know what to say to him
.. and yeasterday he was mad at me and he hit me and said "i want a daddy like Ethan has" (ethan is his friend) and i didnt say ne thing to him expect we dont hit cuz i was just so in shock.. well today we were at a friend of mines house and she has a kid and her childs dad is around and well today my son noticed that my friends son and his dad were playing and my son put his head down on his hands leaning on a toy and watched my friends son and his dad play, and he looked at them with such envy and confusion it broke my heart.. he looked so sad, i have never seen him like this.. Im not sure what to do, do i swallow my pride and email his dad and ask his dad to be there, or do i just let it ride out and hope my son figures out his dad is a dead beat.. I never talk bout about my son's sperm donor to his face or when he's with in hearing distance... so he knows no bad of his dad... i just know his fathers track record when it comes to his kids.. 
im so sad and heart broken any advice is great!!! thank you
Click to add these tags to your Interests:
Read more: 
5 Answers
At 3 it's so hard because you don't know what to say to them. It seems like there is no right answer. I know one mom who told her kids that some kids have daddies and some don't when her kids asked. Another friend would try to deflect from it when her son would get upset. She'd remind him that he had her, and then list all the other people that he had so he wouldn't feel like he didn't feel like he was missing something.
I really don't know what advice to offer here. Does your son get to see his grandparents at all (your parents)? Or if you have brothers or cousins that can fill that male space, it might help.
As for if you should contact him.... I don't know. I mean you could try but you know his track record. Then again, you could tell him that your son's been asking for him a lot. It's so tricky. I do know that whether he is in or out of his life, eventually your son will find out in his own way what kind of a person he is. All kids do eventually, even when we try best to protect them.
I'm sure one of our other members have some great advice for how to handle this. It is definitely a tough situation.
{{Hugs}} to you
Bless your heart, Samantha, bless Troy's sweet little heart and curse that man. I am so sorry that you and your precious boy have to go through something that neither one of you can do anything about. I can't imagine the sadness and rage I would feel-you are such a strong woman, I so admire you.
My best advice is to get that little boy talking to a therapist. To people who don't know better, that sounds SO SEVERE and they think ----->
"Gasp! A therapist!?" but that is just plain silly. Children who have an issue need to talk to someone who knows how to help them, who know how to say the right thing and not worry about scaring the child for life (like us parents do). Parents do their very best, but sometime it takes someone who has studied the mind of children, understand how they think and can translate things into a young person's rationale to where they don't feel as confused or rejected or hurt.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all will be fixed and on with life we go! But I do think that some understanding from someone who can speak the language and is there to soley help cannot hurt
That person can also give you advice on what you can say and do to help your son
For the sake of our children, we need to think of what is best and what would be the most helpful to their precious little developing minds and feelings. I pray that you all stay close, stay safe, stay healthy and SHOWER that baby with your love
He is SO VERY fortunate to have a mother like you
Thank you both for your input! i have emailed him and this is what i said to him..
So, Troy has been asking about his father. You are not around and it is hard for him to understand why all his friends have fathers but he does not. So now is the time for you to decide if you really want to be part of Troy life. If you would like to pursue a relationship with him now is the time you have to do it. This is the very last opportunity you have until he is old enough to decide for himself. You are really going to have to take some time to think about this! Life for everyone will change if you choose to be there for him. So what i need to know is, are you going to step up now and be a father, or do i explain to him that his father is just not around. Either way you choose is fine, i just need to know what to say to Troy. The past is now the past and lets leave it there, we have to start with a clean slate in order to make this work for troy. There will be stipulations but that is for Troy's well-being. Let me know through email, i have a funny work schedule and its hard for me to find time for important phone calls. If you call i will not answer, so please just email me when you've decided. Your decision will determine where we go from here.
im hoping that was the right thing to do.. :-s...... im scared for the email back!!!
My oldest son is 18 and I went through this with him and his dad. I can tell you what he says. I use to call his dad and ask him to spend time with my son and he would....but then he would disappear until I called again. My son says this was harder then if he had just not been around. That he laid in bed wondering what was wrong with him that his dad had no interest. I would find good things to say (Daddy loves you, he just doesn't know how to be a good daddy") and he thought I was really dumb enough that I believed it. Soooo....
Our advice is that you find another male role model...if you have no brothers and friends willing to spend time with Troy, how about trying Big Brothers or something like that? Anyone can be a father, but you can't force them to be a daddy.
My hat is off to you, mumyzmami, for taking the time to hear your son out this way. I know it's never easy for a parent to hear criticism from a child, but you put your ego aside and really listened, and in the process learned something from him. Being able to talk to you probably helped him to heal from that pain caused by not understanding why his dad didn't want to be around, too. I am really touched by that.
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...