Not So Nice Grandma
When my mother in-law comes to visit she is extremely mean to my son. I am at a loss as to what to do. She says hurtful things to him and we have repeatedly told her to stop. She continues to make comments to him that are cruel. For example, when he talks to her she asks him if he has a mute button. My son is three years old and is super sensitive. She has even made comments about his sexuality. My husband has also witnessed this first hand and is in utter shock. I am not sure why she singles him out. She favors my daughter and my son is catching on to the unfair treatment. He has expressed to me that he does not want to be around her. I will not let my son be surrounded by this horrible grandparent. I was thinking of taking him out of town when she visits but why should I leave my home. My next step is to have her stay in a hotel. My husband is a wonderful father but is conflicted. His answer is: "That is how she is and that is how I grew up. " I do not think that is an acceptable answer so I could use some advice.
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4 Answers
I agree with you - you're husband's response is not an acceptable answer. Your mother-in-law sounds a lot like my mom, whose very negative, pessimistic, critical, etc etc. It's difficult when it's not your own mother, but since your husband was similarly shocked to see her behave this way, then I imagine some part of him realizes this is not appropriate. As far as the "this is how I grew up response," I'd say that that doesn't make it right. If you're both on the same page, and she hasn't responded to reasoning, I'd give her an ultimatum. I'd say to her, "Cut it out or don't bother coming to visit." Hopefully that will send the message loud and clear. If she's anything like my mother, you need to take a stand and show her you mean business and you're not going to back down. In the end, sad as it may be, I say no grandma is better than a bad grandma. And that comes from a lifetime of having to deal with the psychological and emotional scars from growing up with that sort of negativity.
While your husband may not want to confront his mother, that's what needs to happen. You have every right to protect your children from this kind of abuse, and it is abuse, and should not be tolerated. She should not be allowed to visit or be alone with the children at all. She also needs to hear very clearly that her behavior is offensive and must change if she wants to see the grandchildren. It's harsh but generations of bad behavior continue because "it's what someone grew up with or is all he/she knows".
I believe your husband knows deep down that her behavior is hurtful and needs to take a stand for his own family now. Until she has apologized to all of you, especially your son, healing for you and your family cannot continue. Family counseling for any combination of you (grandma included!) may also help to mend hurt feelings and move to healthy interactive behavior.
Good luck.
He needs to tell his mother that if she is going to keep insulting his child she is not allowed over anymore or until she can accept both kids not just one. I had a mother-in-law like that and she was just mean hearted no matter how I tried to get along with her. She just treated me like crap infront of my kids. I have to say it is time for your hubby to grow up and not let how he grew up go onto your youngest or your oldest. I will keep you all in my thoughts.
Good luck and keep us up to date about that problem.
Andrea Neely
Thank you all for your help.