Question
need some advice on my 18 year old daughter and her wanting to drop out of school
I am 40 years old and have an 18 year old daughter and she just went 2 hours away to a culinary school she has been planning on going to culinary school for 3 years now. She has been down there for 2 1/2 weeks. now she decides she no longer wants to be a chef of any kind and wants to drop out of school. She is saying that she wants to do something for her self and not what everyone else wants her to do. I don't know where I went wrong. I have encorged her to do what she wants all her life and now she says I am forcing her to do this that it is what I want not what she wants. Right now she is making me feel like a bad parant and I don't know how to handel this situation can someone please give me some advice I am at a lose on what to do.
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Ok well she is an adult at 18 by law so she could just quit however being a 22 year old and my mom did let me drop out I wish everyday that my parents would have pushed me to finish by quiting something it tends to set habbits of always quitting your doing the right thing by wanting her to stay! You are not doing anything wrong but nither is she people change there minds and he life is changing all of the time and she is finding out who she is 2 weeks is not that long and she might be just a little home sick push for her to finish is my advice she will thank you later and she can always go onto something else but hey she is already there and there is nothing wrong with learning a skill.
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i would say give it another semester - its been a short time. something had to happen, let her talk and just listen. it is scarey being away from everyone in a new enviroment. but afterwards explain to her life is hard and you have to make a lot of hard desisions and you can't always quit if and when something doesn't go your way. but in the end you have to back her up and be on her side. and you could always tell her if she doesn't give a real chance then she has to pay you back the money you put towards her school.... whether or not you actually make her is up to you but.... it will give her an idea that nothing in this life is free and you can't start something just to quit when it gets hard. good luck
Hi JMK40 -
I agree with EodWife...my parents let me drop out of college and I too wish they would have pushed me farther. Trouble is, as I am sure you know, we don't want our kids to make the same mistakes we made but the only way for anyone to learn is to make their OWN mistakes. I went away to college (3 hrs away) and it was scary...homesick, I only knew one person, the food was horrible, classes were hard...I'm thinking this is just a huge adjustment for her right now. Maybe you could persuade her to just finish out the term. Tell her it is good to give everything a fair shot and that is what she would be doing. If she still feels the same way at the end of the term, then fine, you will be proud of her for giving it a fair chance, and she can drop it if it is not for her. Is there a community college in your area she could attend for a little while? Might help adjust to college, while having the safety net of home, and if culinary is really not what she wants to do, it may help her find out what her passion is. You have not done anything wrong and you are not a bad parent!! :-)
**Be what you wish others would be!**
~*~This works for me!~*~
Well, there are definitely several angles to this. First, she does need to make her own decisions. It's interesting to hear other people say they wish their parents had pushed harder (I think it's safe to say most, if not all of us, wish our parents had done something differently along the way!), but truthfully, at 18 you cannot force her to do anything. However I do agree on two things: 1. Do try to get her to talk to you and let you know exactly why she wants to quit. Does she really think she doesn't want to be a chef anymore? Was it harder than she imagined? (A lot of times people assume that because it's "just cooking" culinary school is easy but it's far from it -- there is tremendous pressure in that environment, just as there would be in a real restaurant.) Try to get her to work through her reasons with you so you both have a better understanding. 2. I agree that she should finish out the term if you can talk her into it. Presumably it's paid for and she made a committment so she should at least do that (especially if you paid for it...you do have some say there). She may change her mind in a couple of weeks...I would guess that the first few weeks are a weeding out process in schools like this. Only the strong survive!
Also, you need to stop kicking yourself. She is trying to work this out and she has her whole future ahead of her. Your job is guidance but she really must learn to make her own choices. I can imagine this is one of the hardest times for a parent -- learning to give up any level of control. But to continue to be an effective parent you have to gain her trust and let her know that you are there for her, but her choices are her own.
Finally, if she does decide to quit, lay out your expecations for her very clearly. If she's planning on coming home, decide now whether you will expect her to get a job and help pay for family expenses, or if you will put her on a timeframe for when she needs to figure out her next step, etc. I think it's critical that you make it clear that she has to do SOMETHING and just living at home with no job and no schooling is unacceptable. And then stand by it. If she doesn't comply, she will have to find her own place to live and support herself. Easier said than done, I know, but you alone know how tough you have to be there. (It may be that she already has something in mind and just hasn't spelled it out yet.)
My guess is she will figure this out and find her way. Most do. Good luck to you!
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...
I would let my daughter drop out, if she signed up for the GED. After she would have to enroll in the local community college or pay a reduced amount rent. She is 18
I would explain to her that as an adult it is important to finish what you start. It may very well be that her dream job really isn't for her but that 2 and a half weeks isn't even long enough to decide on what kind of car to buy, let alone a career. Ask her to agree to finish a full semester and tell her that if she still hates it at that point and wants to try something else you'll shut up about culinary school altogether. Then stick to it. I went all the way through high school thinking that I wanted to be a teacher, and with everyone else telling me I'd make a wonderful nurse. Life intervened and I ended up not pursuing either path. Now I realize that it is a good thing I didn't get a degree in nursing or education, because I would have hated both professions. It took me until I was around 22 to realize that my interests lay in a completely different area.