Question
Need disclipline for 13 y/o son's bad report card
I need help with disclipline for my 13 year old son. He came home today with his 3rd marking period report card. He has failed 1 class, going from a B- 1st, D 2nd and now the F. And received a D in 2 other subjects, including GYM!!! He has behavior problems and is just not completing and turning in homework or class work assignments. He doesn't care about having things taken away from him...I can take everything away and he just would not care. So how can I disclipline this child?? And for how long should I?? HELP!!!
Missy
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6 Answers
I'm not putting the blame on you, but what part are you taking in this? Are you checking to make sure he does his home work? Have you talked to his teachers about his school work and his grades? Have you sat him down and just asked him what is going on his life to make him feel that he doesn't have to try very hard in school? Ask him why he is discouraged to do better. I think if you will find out a little more about what he's going through, you will get a little more cooperation out of him. And also, if you stay involved in his school and school work and with his teachers, you will get better cooperation. I don't think disciplining him will really help until you know more about what the underlying problem is.
(I have toddlers, but I did have a nephew that went through this and I learned a few things from my sister in law.)
Tracy Mommy to Rebecca 3/29/04 and Brandon 8/25/05 Wife to Randy 8/29/98
~ Tracy ~Mommy to Rebecca (3/29/04) and Brandon (8/25/05) and wife to Randy (8/29/98)
It sounds to me that your son is having more trouble then just his grades. I would be more concerned about the sudden change in him. I know with my step daughters (15 and 11 yrs. old) their grades are usually the first sign of trouble. Both are usually A/B students but one quarter my 11 yr olds grades started slipping. Turned out she was having trouble with her step-father and 2 students in her class picking on her. I would sit down with him and see if you can find out if something is troubling him. Speak to his teachers too. See if they have noticed any changes or trouble with him. I would also keep on top of him with homework. Most teachers have email, if you can get your sons teacher to email you the weeks work assignments, you'll be able to make sure he does all of his assignments. I wouldn't punish him too bad over this. 13 is a REALLY hard age and it really does sound like he stressed over something. I would try to get to that source first. Good luck and I hope it turns out ok with him.
Smile, it increases your face value!
Jodi
Smile, it increases your face value! :)
Jodi
Thank you for your comments on this problem. To answer some of your concerns...yes, I am an active roll in my son's life. I check his backpack every day when he gets in from school. I have had several meetings with his teachers as a team, including his councilor, all of which are aware of my son not turning in homework. They've been told that should my son not complete and turn in any work, whether its home work or class work, he is to receive a detention. That worked great for one week. Now the teachers are back to their tricks of not giving him the disclipline that I asked they do, mainly because they do not want to have to stay with him for that 1/2 hour after school (complete laziness on their part). I also found out that my son has been being bullied since the begining of the year by a child in his classes. This child ended up punching my son in the back of the head a week ago and I was called in to school to figure out what happened and what further action was to come. My son did not provoke this attack in any way, as it was witnessed by several classmates and the teacher. So we are now dealing with that. I also have my son enrolled in a half day program for his ODD, ADHD and BP II Monday through Friday and they will help him figure out why he isn't doing his work. So I am finally getting help for my son (and myself).
Thanks again
Missy Pleasure Parties By Missy www.freewebs.com/pleasurepartiesbymissy
Missy
Pleasure Parties By Missy
www.freewebs.com/pleasurepartiesbymissy
Let me start by saying I am the oldest of 8 (4girls/4boys) and have four of my own. Although my mother always swore boys were easier than girls my most difficult child has been my son. You mentioned a program for his ADHD, is he on any medications? I fought it for a long time but once we tried the meds he brought home straight A's. He is almost 15 and last year we started to see his grades slipping again. In middle school no one wants to be labeled a "nerd" so he didn't want the good grades. The teen years are a difficult time to begin with then he refused to take his ADHD meds insisting they were making him break out with acne then girls came into the picture. We also had a bullying issue with a child that is bigger than my son and had been bullying him for three years. I finally had enough. I dont' believe in violence but enough was enough. Since the faculty was ignorning the situation I scheduled a meeting with the principal, guidance councelor and teachers involved. I wanted to make them aware of the stand I was taking after three years. Since everyone was aware of it and nothing was being done (the other student had an IEP and his parents made excuse after excuse). I told my son that he could stand up for himself the next time this other boy hit him, shoved him or threw something at him he could defend himself. He was in no way to antagonize this student or provoke him but if the teachers weren't going to stop it my son had my permission at that point to take matters into his own hands. The faculty was in a state of shock during the meeting because I told them I would gladly come in to pick up my son (knowing he would be suspended)and would take him out to celebrate. I also warned them that I would sue the school if it got to that point because they had allowed it to go on so long. They contacted the other parents to warn them. I am often at the school and that afternoon several other students from my son's class asked me if I had really told him it was OK to defend himself, when I said "yes" word spread. The other boy has never bothered my son again and it never got to a violent point.
Do you have other children? With four kids and all of their activities I need to carve out time with each of them. We have a wonderful little diner, that my mom used to take me to, close by so on Saturday mornings I wake one of my kids early and we have a "mommy&me day". We go out to breakfast and do something they want to do. It isn't the entire day but enough time that we can talk and I can find out what is really going on. I also have a policy that if my door is closed no one is to enter unless it is an emergency. My children all know all they have to do is ask to talk and we will shut the door for privacy. The other thing we did was get my son a weight bench. He can work out his frustrations and his is rather short but very strong now. No one messes with him at school and it has built his confidence tremendously. I hope this helps! Good luck!!!
Missy,
I have over 20 years experience working with students with motivational issues and their families and am currently working on my Phd to open a school to meet the needs of these children. You point out a couple of issues that concerned me:
1. Bullying is a 0 tolerance issue and the school needs to know that you are aware of this. Inform the school in writing that the bullying is taking place and now that they have been formally notified of the problem you expect appropriate measures to be taken to protect your son or you will take legal action holding the school system and the specific school administrators liable for any physical or psychological damages that he receives from this point forward. You should send a copy to the school superintendent and at the bottom of the letter indicate that this was done with a "cc: Superintendent Brown".
Send the letter even if you have discussed the issue and keep a copy of the letter for your files.
2. What grade is he in (6th or 7th)? What class dropped from the B to D to F? What other core class is involved? I am trying to determine if there is a curriculum issue involved.
3. I suspect that the poor grade in PE is due to him not dressing out. This is very common in middle school. If he is in 7th grade, did he have problems dressing out last year? Did puberty create significant physical changes this year or does he appear to be left behind? Has something happened to make him uncomfortable changing his clothes in front of others? I personally hate this requirement in middle school. They have enough issues to deal with and honestly who feels comfortable changing in front of other people? As an adult I changes in the restroom at the Y or use a locker door for some level of privacy.
4. My suggestion is that he use a homework contract, assignment folder, and progress chart. First create a clear written contract that includes expectations for him, the teachers, and parents. Such as:
Homework Contract
I, Jeremy Student, will complete my homework and turn it in each day for the next 10 days. I will accurately and clearly write down my homework on my assignment sheet during the last 5 minutes of class and will have my teacher initial that this is complete. I will place any work sheets or assignments already began in the folder. When I get home I will give my folder to my mom, I will grab a snack and begin on my work right away. When I have finished my work for the night I will have my mother sign it to confirm that I have completed everything and I will return the work to my folder. When I arrive in each class I will turn in my work to the area designated by my teacher.
I, Jeremy Student's Mother, will review Jeremy's assignment sheet each afternoon and verify that he has completed each assignment by signing the actual homework. I will retain the assignment sheet for future reference. I will supervise Jeremy notating completed/turned in work based on the feedback provided by the teachers on the following day. I will encourage Jeremy to do his best and turn everything in. I will verify that Jeremy has packed his assignment folder in his book bag each night.
The teachers of Jeremy Student, agree to post homework assignments on the whiteboard each day and to verify that Jeremy has accurately and clearly copied the assignments by initialing the appropriate section of the assignment sheet. If Jeremy does not turn in his homework I will have Jeremy email his mother from my desk before leaving my class on the day the work is due. I will review the information Jeremy has sent for accuracy. I will encourage Jeremy to meet his goals each day.
REWARDS
If Jeremy completes his work in 4 out of 6 subjects for 8 out of 10 days he will receive the following reward of his choosing: He will be allowed to attend a movie with his friends.
Bonus
If Jeremy completes his work in 6 out of 6 subjects for 8 out of 10 days he will also receive a bonus reward - the cd of his choice.
CONSEQUENCES
If Jeremy does not complete the assignments for 4 out of 6 courses each night he will be required to complete the work over the week end and will accompany his mother to each class to turn in the work.
The guidelines for completing should be adjusted until he turns in all of his work for 2 -3 21 day periods.
There needs to be a place for the student, parents, each teacher, and school administrator to sign. All should be given a copy.
Let him pick out one of those 2 pocket folders that have cool pics on the front. Use an assignment sheet on which he must legibly write his homework each day, no matter what -even if it is online or a copy is given by the teacher, etc. He still writes it. Each teacher initials that this is accurate and he brings it home in the folder each night. When he completes the homework you sign the homework and he takes the homework back in the folder.
He also has a completion progress chart that you keep at home. You ask the teachers to email you when he does not turn in work, other wise he receives credit for the assignment on the chart.
Middle school teachers have a lot on their plates. They teach over 100 students and it is simply impossible for most to provide the individualized reinforcement that elementary school teachers are able to provide. Involving the specialized educators is a great idea.
Let me know if you need any clarification with this or if I can help your son further. I have a bunch of tricks in my toolbag.
Take care,
Kali
Kali J
Parents are their childrens' first and best educators. Read with your child to open a world of opportunities and provide a foundation and lust for life long adventures in learning.
If one of my kid's would do that I would be so frustrted.
I would take everything out of his room except his bed and bedding.
Pick his clothe's out for him, each day until he get's his grad's higher. When he get's home from school sit him down at the kitchen table, and make sure he show's you everything from that day. Make him do his homework before he can do anything else. When he get's his grade's up give him 2 most important thing's back, like him cloth's and whatever else you believe is the most important thing for him to have. Not his toy's or game's, tv, no fun thing's. He need's to yearn those thing last.
The reason for this is so he learn's, he need to yearn his way through life. And everything won't just be handed to him.
if he say's he doen't have to do his work, make him a list of 5 chore's, then if he continue's add a chore and a day of no contact with friend's, and just keep adding chore's and day's to the no contact with friend's.
S.K.L. Mother of 11 soon to be 13.