"Need a break", Am I irrational??
I have recently been encountering more and more parents who "NEED A BREAK" from their children and I'm thinking I may be crazy?? Does anyone else have a problem hearing about these kinds of parents.
Now, I'm NOT talking about the parents who go to an occasional dinner or movie. I'm talking about the ones who's children are in school/daycare all week and at the grandparents (or others) most weekends. I hear every excuse in the book from "Grammy WANTS to have them" to "I have alot of errands to run, it's just easier without them". The entire time I'm listening to these people I want to say "Hey, you had the kids, it's your job to take care of them".
I ask all of you. Am I the irrational one thinking that it is wrong to dump your children off on others on a regular basis? Am I wrong for thinking that "NEEDING" a break from your children that often is selfish? I choose and enjoy my time at home with my Husband and kids. This is my choice, but I am always getting attacked by these people telling me I need to get out more often. I'm running out of diplomatic responses to that too. Part of me feels like I'm going to snap one day and say "I don't NEED to go out, YOU NEED TO STAY HOME". Please tell me I'm not alone feeling this way!!!! And how do I handle these kinds of situations?
Jodi
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14 Answers
My son, Matthias, was born premature at 2 lb 11 oz, and was in the hospital for the first month of his life, and then we were supposed to keep his contact with the outside world to a minimum for a few months after that. I was going stir crazy. I have a husband who was running necessary errands, like groceries, etc., but I couldn't do any of these things because I'm epileptic and am not allowed to drive and I'm a SAHM. I was thrilled when my mom suggested that we bring Matthias over on Fridays (he was allowed visits with immediate family, just nowhere public) to spend the evening with her while Andy and I go out, just the two of us, for one evening every week. Wow! That was my light at the end of the tunnel for several weeks. Some weeks it still is. Don't get me wrong, I treasure my son dearly. I thank God every day that we were blessed with this little boy. I keep a couple of pictures from the hospital and when we first brought him home (there's a picture of Matthias with a Pooh bear my mom, otherwise known as YaYa, gave him and he still has that gives some real perspective on his size) up around the house as constant reminders that we have a miracle living in our home.
Matthias is 2 years old now, and has, on cue, entered the terrible twos. I have joked since day one that he looks like his daddy, but he's got my lungs. Both of my parent can be loud; my mom did outdoor theatre for several years, and when my dad taught high school I could go into a crowded gymnasium during a game and locate him by following the sound of his laughter. My son has those genes as well, so you can imagine the temper tantrum screeches he can pull. Those Fridays are still sometimes my saving grace.
I came to an interesting realization over the past several months, however. Don't get me wrong, a child adds their own special level of stress, good and bad, but I bring my own stresses to the table. Matthias senses those feelings, and they feed on each other. He gets more whiney, and I get more frustrated. Andy has come through for me a few times, but in general, Matthias is mama's boy so if he gets taken to a different room, the world is ending. And my husband just doesn't usually have the patience required to deal with a small child. I imagine several of the people compaining about needing more time away are dealing with kids whose stresses are feeding off of one another's, making a not so great situation even worse, and they're looking for a way to keep their cool, at least in front of the kids. Sending the kids to Grammy's for a few hours may accomplish that. Also,if these people have jobs, then consider the transition they have to make everyday from communicating with adults to communicating with whatever age(s) the kid is. I also know right now running errands with a small child in tow can be bothersome; these errands can be completed faster and easier without the child, and the kid would probably be happier at Grammy's than in a car seat.
Now, as far as people telling you what you need, come on. (I know you can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes in the general direction of said people) Smile and nod. Don't worry about diplomatic answers. Just tell them how much you enjoy spending time with your family, nothing pushy or braggy, but this might encourage them to find the same thing with their families. Tell them what you do together, games or go to the park, etc. Often people draw a blank when they brainstorm about important things, like their families, so give them some ideas through sharing. Nothing pushy or what they're doing wrong, just planting a few seeds in their brains to maybe help them spend more time with their kids.
I am a FULL TIME SAHM, I also live in a place where I don't know anyone well enough to let someone babysit my kids and I don't have any family close by . . . Hey, I NEED A BREAK!
But when you're gone from your kids to work or to do other things and then you say you need a break . . . WHY? Sounds to me like those moms are the ones that don't want the responsibility of raising their own children. And when their children grow up and become criminals or something to that affect, then they say, "I didn't raise them that way, I don't know why they're like that." And they would be right . . . THEY DIDN'T RAISE THEM THAT WAY! Someone else did!
So I totally agree with you. No, I don't think you are irrational. You're right on the point!
So when you are faced with someone asking you why you don't take a break, I agree with the last posts, just be polite and say that you enjoy your time with your children. One day they won't be children anymore and you'll wonder where the time went! So you do whatever it is that makes YOU happy. Don't miss a thing in their lives and be the model that you would like them to follow after.
Tracy Mommy to Rebecca 3/04 and Brandon 8/05 Wife to Randy 8/98
~ Tracy ~Mommy to Rebecca (3/29/04) and Brandon (8/25/05) and wife to Randy (8/29/98)
I agree with you. If you work all week, you should cherish the time you have with your kids. I am a SAHM and I watch my friend's two kids. And at times I feel like I need a break. But once my fiance gets home. I feel a lot better and we spend that time as family time. I think it is very selfish to come home and just push your kids on other people because you are "too tired" or feel you need a "break". Taking a night to go out to dinner with your husband is fine, but no one should be like the real Mom to your child because of those stupid excuses. So you are definitely not being irrational. I think parents just need to count their blessings that their kids still want to be around them. Just wait, a few years down the road, they won't want to even go to the store with you because you are "uncool".
Crystal
I feel sorry for these people though who don't realize how precious that time really is. Being in the military put me in situations where I was away from my daughter up to a straight six months. I had to ask my mother her likes, dislikes...you name it. I never saw her first tooth, crawl, walk or heard her first word. The baby-sitter told me when she rolled over! I am no longer in the military but am still a working single mother and live in an area where I have no family. I admit that in my situation there are times where I need to get away; it's not from my children but from everything. That break though comes after I get home, cook for them, watch tv with them, bathe them and put them to bed. Once they're sleeping is the perfect opportunity to relax and watch tv, websurf or read a book. I am still relatively young (or so I'd like to think) and do enjoy going out on the town with friends but my sitter's do not arrive until 9pm or later. My kids are none the wiser and I get a little adult time out!
Kudos to you SAHMs! I spent five years in the military and day-dreamed of the "easy" life, being at home with my kids. It didn't take long though for me to figure out who REALLY does the most work!
As a sahm/wahm of a newborn and a toddler I agree we all need our me time. I know I am at my wits end lately because I don't have any me time and need a day to myself or even an hour would be nice. I am dying for things to get better, but for now am struggling and having a hard time adjusting to lack of sleep and constant feedings, diaper changes, crying, etc. I wish I had some family or friends to come over for an hour or more a day to help out.
I disagree with parents who work outside the home and say they need to get away from their kids, that doesn't sound right to me. I can see a night out once a month but not more than that. I can only dream of a night out with my husband right now.
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I could be wrong but I think when you hear people say they need a break from their kids it's not just their kids. I think they are talking about all the stresses. I work full time out side of the home and I have a son that'll be 2 in aug, and there is sometimes yes i would like to get away. not from my baby so much of (everything) And I do cherish my son more then anybody could ever guess, but that does not mean that if i or anybody else decides to have some time without any troubles, stress, or whatevery you want a break from that they are bad. Now in saying that I also don't think you can just hand your child off to anybody. Like this past weekend my son was with his grandma all weekend.(it liked to drive me crazy) I don't like being away from my baby that long at all. but i don't think I'm bad because he was away, and my boyfriend (babysdaddy) and I did go out we did enjoy ourselfs so does that mean that since we went out more then once a month like the last post said we are bad parent. I HIGHLY DISAGREE!!!!
I'm a single mother of an 8 month old. With that being said I have to work full time. I'm only 20 and the change from the girl i was a year and a half ago to the woman/mother i am now is sometimes overwhelming. My daughter is my world and I choose to spend time with her rather than going out with all my "friends." Most of them don't have children so often times i feel very alone. Sometimes i just want to get out, not away from my baby, but just out. The only time I get to "myself" is when i go to work (as a waitress)... dealing with customer complaints is not a break of any kind. Most other mothers my age and I also dont have alot in common because they choose to leave their kid(s) with their parents or whomever will watch them so they can go out and party. I have a friend who said and i quote "i at least have to go out like 3 times a week." Think about all the time ur missing out on spending with your child.
My childs father and I are not together simply because of this subject exactly. When you are a parent, your child SHOULD be your first priority. Sure i can get my mother or his mother or one of my friends to watch my daughter, but why when im going to spend the whole night worrying if shes okay and would rather spend the free time i have with her. Occasionally, I have someone watch her while i go to dinner, or a concert. Since shes been born, ive only had a "break" about 4 or 5 times. Each of these times im almost unable to enjoy myself because im calling the sitter every hour to check up on her. I think a break is needed every now and then but theres a big difference between having a break every now and then, and dumping your child on someone else while u go out.
When i chose to have my child and keep my child, I was making the choice to devote my life to her... to being a mother ...being a mother ALWAYS comes first and i wouldnt have it any other way. I'm sure she wouldnt either
I understand needing a break, but I told my husband that I didn't want to work (even though I love teaching!) because I can't stand the thought of anyone else watching my son. The first time I left him with my husband I was worried the entire time! I now leave him with my husband, my inlaws and friends from time to time, but I feel guilty if I leave him for too long. Yesterday was my anniversary and my MIL offered to take Robbie overnight and I turned her down! First of all, we didn't pack for it (when we dropped him off, that's when she offered), but he probably would have gotten by because I over-pack! Anyway, my point is, yes, I need the occasional break and I do get it, whether it be substituting or leaving him at home when I go sing (I sing at local churches on Sunday mornings, but he usually comes with me). I truly think I'm one of the odd ones, but I can't stand not being with him. I do get my breaks, but definitely not all week. I couldn't hold down even a part time job because it would kill be to leave him, even thought I would be leaving him with my husband (who works from home) Okay, enough of my ranting, my point is, I can understand needing a break, but I can't understand everyday.
Anita Burnham
www.anitaburnham.com
I think you need to give these parents a break. You don't know what issues they are going through personally or emotionally. I have a 14mth old son whom I love dearly. However, he's never been a good eater or sleeper, and after almost two years of no sleep (I suffered from insomnia when I was pregnant), I'm spent! We've tried everything with him: co-sleeping, transferring him to his own crib, every ounces of food at bedtime, and now we're going to have to try the Ferber method. Because of this chronic lack of sleep, I feel like i need a break, just so i can rest and get some sleep. Some of these mothers need this "break" otherwise it will be both detremental to the mom and baby as well. If the mom is happy and rested, so will the baby.
Okay, I know people have various opinions on this, but most mothers are just wanting a break from the stress. Some people may not want enough responsibilty for their children, but a lot of mothers just have too much on their plate and are having difficutly dealing with it.
I personally consider myself a wonderful mother of a 2 year old, who is a teacher and works about 50 hours a week during school months. I pick up my child everyday from the sitters at 5:00 and basically play with her, eat dinner and have bath time until she goes to bed at 8:00. I must admit, sometimes I get off earlier than 5, and go home just to be alone in the house without the sound of any children because I need a break! Jobs are not a break!!! Maybe if you are a stay at home mom you can image that getting away from your children any amount of time would be a break. But actually, it just adds another set of stresses and strains to your lifestyle. I try to spend as much time with my child as possible, but after Friday comes, I always let my mother. mother-in law get my child for a few hours on Saturday evening ( usually after 4, we play together, to the park or the zoo in the mornings). This does not make me a bad mother who doens't want the responsibility of raising my children.
I just have several different goals for what I want out of life. I wear many different hats, and I need a break from all of those sometimes, not because I am a bad mother but because I am human! I am a wife, mother, friend, fourth grade teacher and Master's student and all of those things are important to me. My daughter is my heart, but I do need time completely to myself so that I can be the best mother to her! I want her to have the best of me, not a tired, cranky, woman who desperately needs sleep!
If you are a hard working woman (stay at home or on the job) you should not feel gulity for needing a few hours to yourself here and there throughout the week without being judged by other parents who do not walk in your shoes!