Mother in law trouble
Ok, here is my situation, I have 2 bs (10 and 12) from a previous relationship and their dad lives out of state, they only see him in the summer and some holidays. The rest of the time they stay with us. I have 3 ss 1 of whom lives with us (he is 15). We also have a 9 mth old together. When we got custody of my ss my mother in law sat me down and lectured me for like an hour about how I needed to treat them al the same. My ss and I get along most of the time but he is not the ideal child. He gets suspended from school on a regular basis (like at least once every two months) He doesn't do his homework or schoolwork (we do try) and he gets about a c average. (this is much better than before we got him,, he was failing EVERYTHING) He is in the EC program at school, has been for years even though he is smart enough to be in regular classes, he is lazy. He just finished 8th grade this year. Now my issue is that my MIL lives right next door to us and my children think of her as a grandma (my own mother is passed away for the last 10 yrs). They even call her Meme. When awards ceremonies came up this year my oldest son (who is in advanced classes and works his butt off, he has ADD and does not take medicine) He called her specifically to ask her to come to his awards ceremony at 830 am on Wed. She told him she would if she could get up and ready in time. She did not show up. He got 4 awards for acedemic achievement and was happy but very hurt that she didn't come. When my ss had his award ceremony on Friday at the same time, same place, she was there and even told him she would give him $200 for passing the 8th grade (with a C average) He didn't get ANY awards except a little certificate that said he passed. She also picks him up regularly and takes him shopping for clothes, shoes etc.. and has NEVER done that with my two. For my ss b-day she took him and bought him a nintendo DS and out to eat. When my bs turned 12 she gave him $50. Am I wrong to expect her to treat my children equally even though they are not her bgc? What can I do to let her know that she is hurting my bc?
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2 Answers
Extended families are hard enough without outside family members acting unfairly. I know how your situation can be. I am with my husband for 10 years, I have 2 step-daughters 11 & 15, and we have a 3 yr. old daughter. We live in MD and my husbands family is in CA & WVA, my family is in NY and PA so I don't have them in my daily life except for visits but we have the same unfairness with some members too. My father and step mother have never treated my older two any differently then they do their birth grand children but my Mother does not acknowledge them the same. Forgetting birthdays, being cheap at Christmas with just the older 2, not visiting when she knows we have the girls(too long of a list to type). I've been fighting her for years about her separate treatment and haven't gotten through yet. My girls are oblivious to most of it but do get their feelings hurt with others things they do notice. They are old enough now that when they do see my mother and get their feelings hurt by her behavior we tell them to take it up with her directly. My 11 yr old was so upset by her one time that she was crying and when my husband and I asked her what happened she just said "why does Grammy hate me?". We took her into the room with my mother and told her to ask Grammy. She did and my mother was so embarrassed. I honestly don't think my mothers realizes how obvious her unfairness is sometimes. I feel she has to be made responsible for her behavior and MY FAMILY is not loosing anything without her but she looses A LOT without us. It was my choice to be with my husband and except ALL that comes with him, and with that my family and his has to accept and respect our choices. Children don't ask for their situations, they just have to live in whatever their parents choices are. It is our job as the adults to take care of them.
I am curious to know if your husband has noticed his mothers behavior. I would document the incidents she is unfair to the children, discuss them with your husband and come up with a way to approach her with them. She was out of line lecturing you for an hour about treating your children the same when she does the opposite. I would remind her of that. Believe me you are not going to make her happy confronting her with all of this. My last "blow up" with my mother was New Years and I've only spoken to her 2 times since. But like I said, the welfare of the children come first and it IS her loss not my family's. Good luck.
Smile, it increases your face value!
Jodi
Smile, it increases your face value! :)
Jodi
I completely understand where you are coming from but I understand how he is feeling a little more. My Grandmother on my dads side treated my Brother and I so badly and for many years I was so hurt and so confused. from the time I was ten years old until I was about 21 we had a horrible relationship. My grandmother wasn't happy with my parents marriage, My mother was Jewish and my Father was Catholic. the other thing that she didn't approve of was that my mother was previously married. I believe that because she didn't approve of this that she carried that through her life. the worst part of it was I had to see how bad she hurt my mother emotionally. so as a child I watched and grew this anger inside always afraid to speak up. I can remember at night before I went to bed I'd pretend to tell her how bad she hurt me and how mad I was at her because of it. My other cousins were treated so differently. I had asked her to come to many events that I was involved in, I was very much into music and sports and her answer to the invitations to these programs were " That's not my cup of tea" I would be at these special events of mine and see all the other kids grandparents there cheering them on and I was so confused. She even went to my cousins sports games. then one day in High School I had a very important music concert that I wanted her to go to and I figured I'd get the same response but I asked anyways and her response was " I have a golf game to watch on TV" I can't make it. at that moment I exploded and let it all out. At that moment my dad finally realized how badly she had hurt his family. I called her later that night to apologize and she turned me down and pretended not to know me for 5 years. We started talking again when my son was born and she treated him with the love I Dreamed that I'd get from her. She was also diagnosed and had been fighting cancer for 3 years. When I saw her with my son I realized that it was her loss that she missed out on being my grandma. I forgave her for the things she did to us, Unfortunately by the time we started getting along she was dying so we had the best month that we ever had together.
I know that this was a very long story and I'm sorry to bore you with it but I have seen your child's side to this unfairness that your mother-in-law is showing and if there is anything you can do to stop it early it might save a beautiful relationship that your child is dreaming for. My advice would be to confront your husband and make sure that he is on the same level as you and then confront your mother-in-law together and explain that she is hurting him. That is really all you can do at this point the rest is up to her. Unfortunately my grandmother was the type of lady that no matter what anyone said to her she wouldn't do anything to change or fix the problem. I hope and pray that your mother-in-law isn't like my grandma. The other thing you can do is sit down and talk to your child and make sure they know that it isn't their fault that she is acting this way. Let him know that it is okay to express and tell you how he is feeling about this and that he doesn't have to hide feelings. Then explaine that it is her loss and that no matter what she does you will always stand behind him and support him.