Parents of Tweens and Teens
A safe place to connect with other parents on this journey through adolescence. Goal? To learn to make parenting choices that truly encourage the healthy social/emotional development of your sons and daughters.
46 Members
Club type:
Common Interest
Leader:
Annie_Fox
Created:
Sep 02, 2009
Question
I have a 16 yr old who has a bad habbit of telling lies....how long is too long to ground her? I've tried the 1 week grounding after the 3rd lie...that didn't phase her....now we are going on week #2 for the 4th lie in a months time... :-(
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I think the word for this would be DEFYING? Or REBELLION? Or....the I can just do whatever I feel like saga....LOL
I've tried one week after the first couple lies...and I've told her recently she is grounded until further notice....I MUST see an improvement in her maturity level and being responsible......
Any imput would be greatly appreciated!
Patricia
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21 Answers
Okay, I'm far from an expert in this department as I don't have any teens -- yet. But I was a rebellious teen myself, and in retrospect I have learned that I was really looking for boundaries and guidance. You may feel like the grounding isn't working but it may be having more of an impact than you think. Stay consistent. Your daughter may be hanging out with the wrong crowd or she might be seeing someone she doesn't think you'd approve of. Do not turn a blind eye to the signs she is giving you. I am afraid I'm not being much help, cuz like I said I haven't been there as a parent, but I'm trying to remember what I was going through as a kid when I was giving my mom a rough time. I really believe I wanted to get caught in a lie but alas, I think I had a stronger will than my mom and it went on for some time. Stay firm and confront her; remember she needs your strength now more than ever.
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...
Those words just brought tears to my eyes Patti..... "she needs your strength now more than ever." Sometimes I wonder, how much strength do i really have? lol
Currently I am weaning myself off off a bad relationship ( OMG that's HARD!! even tho I know it's the right thing to do) :-( ......smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day....drinking coffee and more coffee....going to bed at 10:30.....my phone's quiet...no calls.... I have multiple sclerosis and tonights my shot night I will probably be in bed at 10:00 pm on a Friday NIGHT??? OMGOSH!! LOL
The TV echos with some sort of life form here in my lonely apartment......I feel as though I have failed my child somehow.... seeing her ignore me....no words to me at all.....??? But yet I breath.....and tell myself this too shall pass....
I just wanted to say THANK YOU! Somehow I felt a friend here with me when I read your words! ;-)
Patricia
Patti always has such good thoughts to conribute
I agree with her. All teens, no matter how insane this sounds, WANT boundries and discipline. Why? Because boundries and discipline mean they have a parent who is watching them. A parent who is watching them is involved in their lives. A parent involved is a parent who CARES. A parent who cares is a parent who LOVES THEM.
All teenagers want to be heard and loved. They need to know that security at the most insecure time of their lives.
Now, I'm not saying that teenagers need to be hounded and their parents be in their face, so to speak, constantly, but when it comes to the boundries and rules you set up, those things do need to be constant.
When I was growing up, my parents were changing their tactics to discipline all the time. I remember thinking, at a pretty young age, "They don't know what they're doing" And so I figured that if they didn't know what they were doing, then how was I to feel as a teenager?
L-O-S-T.
They'd try one thing, then the next week it'd be a whole different set of rules because they'd feel what they were doing wasn't working. I needed guidance from people who needed guidance
Bless their hearts, now that I'm older I see that they just didn't know any better, but I have to say to you now that it did effect my actions as a teen and so will yours to your daughter.
The best advice I know to give, like Patti said: STAY CONSISTENT!
Awww, thanks!
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...
I agree... stay consistent! Teens, just like little ones want to please us. They want to do things that will make us proud and happy.
One thing we do is we stay consistent and if we see our teen (who's only 13 right now) work at earning our trust back or trying to fix what he's done wrong, we see that as a sign that he gets why we are upset and we give him a goal to work towards so he can get out of trouble. It helps them focus their energy in a new direction rather than being rebellious and rotten! LOL
Just keep at it. It's going to be really rough! I wasn't the rebellious kind, but my sister was and my parents had their hands full with her!
Lying isn't normally a "habit" it is a clear and conscious choice. Teens who lie may do so for various reasons... some often include:
pushing the limits of parents' boundaries ("I know they won't approve of this but I'm going to do it anyway because a: they won't find out and/or b) their rules are stupid and/or c) I'm not a little kid any more and/or d) my friends will think I'm a wuss if I don't go along with them and do this.
Questions for you (to give me more info so I can better advise you better)
1. What is she lying about?
2. How long has this been going on? Can you recall the first time?
3. What conversation did you have with her after you caught her in a lie for the first time?
4. If this is relatively new behavior, what in your daughter's life has changed... new friend/bf etc.?
Write back and we'll talk some more.
In friendship,
Annie
Annie Fox, M.Ed. author, educator, online adviser for tweens, teens, & parents
http://anniefox.com
Thank you Annie!!
Yes I did try to figure out when the lies began.....and it was when I was trying to work a job back in December-March at our local homeless shleter...5 minutes up the street from me. I worked swing shifts back then and it seened as though every time I would work and she would be at home...my neighbor across the hall would text me and tell me there was people at my apartment. Some hours were 11pm-7am...Saturdays 7am-3pm.....and that was when the lies first began as well. She was hanging around a new group of kids from the apartments and was beginning to spend quite a bit of time there. Needless to say....I had to end my employment aftr working 183 hours and not getting paid for it... :-(
The more I was home the more I would see how she longed to go over to this apartment....and one day I walked over to this apartment....un-announced....and to my SURPRISE when I entered into this.... GOD FORSAKEN-PIG-STYE of a....SLUM home....I politelty asked my daughter to come home please.
A couple weeks passed by....and I expressed this to her older brother and sister....and they had some pep-talks with her about "you are the company you keep kinda chats! Eventually this girl (a HS drop out, with 5 tatoos at the age of 17, belly button piercing, lip pierced...etc etc) went to a MARINE party and it was broadcasted on my son's friends facebook page....there was this same girl flashing her upper body parts, drinking shots, and being obnoxious! That was the STRAW that broke the camels back.....THANK GOD for small miracles!!! LOL
Her brother and sister saw this and told her how sometimes you follow people who aren't making good choices. mom is right when she made her assumption after seeing the shape of this apartment...but that wasn't enough to go on.....but seeing this type of behavior does say it ALL!!
I have noticed a pattern with Bekah whenever she is givin too much freedom....she takes advantage of the situation and RUNS with it!!
Therefore I MUST be VERY careful when ever she is out...there has to be GOOD communication #1....AND I MUST talk to the parent and know something about the parent #2...before she is allowed to spend time there AT ALL!!!
After the sungalsses thing.....she was grounded for a week....then I thought I would give her a little space.....Went to a friends out in the country over night Sunday night...I was helping to pile wood and unload his truck...became tired and called her and asked if I could spend the night....will she be able to get up for school if I stay there? Her response OF COURSE MOM! She called me before going to bed and said she was setting her alarm. The next morning she acted as though she was getting ready for school....then at the time she was supose to catch the bus...she said she was sick and throwing up!! I got into my car RIGHT AWAY...and when I got home she was asleep in her bed...there was a pair of MENS black boots by the door? And by the computer on the floor next to my couch there was an EMPTY SMIRNOFF VODKA bottle!!! WELL....I went into her room holding the bottle and the BOOTS and CLEARLY STATED....THIS WAS WHY I DON'T TRUST her!!!!!
That was 3 weeks ago........and she has been OFF the computer, phone and not allowed ANY PHONECALLS....anywhere I go...SHE'S right there with me!! Bedtime is at 10:00pm!!! Her friends have called and I simply tell them whenever she learns her lesson on not telling LIES they may see her...END OF STORY!!! ( yes, I spoke to her therapist about all of this...we have an appointment scheduled this week as she has been on vacation or I would have gone sooner!)
Once a child tears that WALL of TRUST!! It's extremely HARD to get it back!! Even though her grades are AWESOME...her interest in school is tremendous! She has become a FOLLOWER rather than a LEADER!
Another thing I have put off is her taking her driving test.....I have expressed to her that IF I can't TRUST you on FOOT? How can you be trusted in MY CAR??? I am afraid she will be 18 yrs old when she gets her drivers license....sad but true... :-(
Thanks for listening!
I hope that something I say would help another parent going through simular situations.
I would LOVE to go back to school and continue my education...however I hafta WAIT till Rebekah is 18 or on her own? For right now...I can have NO LIFE at ALL! I even ended my relationship with this gentleman due to the fact that I didn't feel it was fair to him to spend weekend after weekend home babysitting my 16 yr old daughter with me...he should be able to go out and enjoy himself!
Thanks Mothers Click for being there for me to vent to!!!
Bless you ALL!!!
Patricia
Keep the boundries and guidience in check. She has to realize sooner or later that lieing is not going to get her anywhere. You just have to take things she loves away from her and tell her what you expect from her in order to get those things back....Grounding does'nt work for everyone but if you take a way something that means a lot to her than she will soon realize she is getting no where by lyeing
GOD BLESS YOU. We barely survived my daughter's teenaged years. i say, if the worst thing she's doing is lying, you're in good shape, even though i know it's so frustrating. Remain consistent, maintain your boundaries, and let her know she's not fooling anyone. If you want to continue to try discipline, I found the worst punishment was to remove the cell phone from the child - the next thing was not giving them any money. Good luck, sister - it gets better, so hang in there.
instead of grounding her try taking away something she really likes such as cell phone, video games or what ever is really dear to her or that she just can't live with out