Husband doesn't want kids

So, I would like other peoples advice on my situation. I got pregnant this year. April, 2008 to be exact. My due date was January 1st, 2009. Pretty cool huh? Anyways, May 17th, 2008, I ended up having a miscarriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through because I really wanted that baby. Although it wasn't planned by any means, my husband, in the emergency room in front of the doctors and nurses told me we could have another baby right away. Mind you I had just got conformation that I miscarried the baby. I was really sick because of the pain meds and he was very supportive I guess. Then the next morning his brother came over and told me that the miscarriage was the best thing that could have happened to me. Yes, he said that infront of my husband. Ever since then my husband doesn't want a kid for a couple years. Mind you a couple in his mind is when he is in his thirties. I just don't think it is fair. It still affects me everyday. I cry constantly off and on. All of my friends and most of his has kids. He is a very selfish person. What he wants is whats going to happen. I guess I know that is mean to say but thats how our relationship is. I just feel like he could leave me crying and now he constantly says something mean everytime I mention having a kid. Or he just switches the subject before I even finish my sentence. I just don't get it. I have bad 'baby fever'. I just don't feel whole anymore. I just can't wait two or more years. Especially when he said we could start right away. He made me go on birth control or he said we would not be intimate until he was ready. I just can't handle it anymore. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. I just can't stop thinking about having a child. I am still buying things and everything. I just can't accept his answer. Please help.

posted October 9, 2008 - 5:24am

Comments

GrandmaAuntie wrote 7 weeks 2 hours ago

Many things happen in life that we don't, can't and never will understand. I believe in God, and He knows what's ahead. So He prepares us for what He knows that we don't. Why things happen as they do like not carrying your baby to term, who knows. But, it is not the end. You can handle it and you will get through this. PRAy without ceasing, and when it is meant to be, it will be. Take the things you brought and put them away, seeing them is only a constant reminder which is like pouring salt in an open wound. I raised my nephew from birth to one year and two weeks and his mother relocated with him. I found myself sick, literally sick and depressed because I missed him so much and although I fear him forgetting me because he is attaching himself to others. I have to realize that maybe it was meant to happen that way. Maybe he needs to be with her elsewhere to learn how to be responsible and stand on her own two feet instead of always having a crutch.

When we have something taken from us that we love, it hurts and depending on what or who it is, and how it was taken, it hurts and it hurts for awhile. Sometimes more than others. But you will get through this and when you ARE holding your next baby you will Love and treasure them 2, 3, 4 times as much. Don't rush it, it will happen when it is meant to be. Occupy yourself with something, anything else other than what will constantly be a reminder to you. You have more strenght than you know you have, and God will comfort you through this periord of grief if you ask Him.

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mom2leviandmaci wrote 6 weeks 4 days ago

I have two biological children, ages 19 and 16 from my first marriage. My second marriage I had hopes of conceiving to have another child, those hopes ended in the form of three miscarriages which were, to say the least, devastating. With the second one I went into a severe depression and carried a lot of guilt (I fell down the stairs...tripped over the cat...and then lost that baby). It was awhile ago and since then we have adopted two beautiful boys and are in the process of adopting a final child, our daughter. Those children did not replace the babies I lost. Just as someday your child will never replace this one that you lost. You will never get over the grief. I'm sorry, but you won't. It will always be there, though as time goes by the grief is less painful. I agree with the other poster, put the baby items away. As far as your husband goes, give him time. He is grieving, too, though he might not want to admit it right now. This may be his way of preventing himself from any near future pain if you were to have another miscarriage. If that is not the case, and if he truly is not wanting to become a father, then don't push it. If he doesn't want to be a father before you get pregnant, he's not going to want to be a father when the child is born. Lesson learned the hard way from my first marriage. To this day, he is not in the kids' lives. He was there physically before our divorce, but he was checked out emotionally as a dad. I don't regret having my first two children at all, but it was a very hard life raising two kids on my own. You have to accept his answer, as hard as it may be at this time. Because his answer may never change. I'm sorry, but I know how painful it is to lose children and I know how painful it is to be with a man who wants nothing to do with the children he has brought into this world. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. That is why I say this, if you have to "convince" him to have a child, you'll find yourself traveling a very hard road. Hang in there, and if you need to talk to someone about the loss of your baby find a good pastor or friend or counselor that you can trust. Maybe they can give you some help with your marriage, too. Don't give up hope. I promise you that one day when you are able to have a child, you will remember your lost child with love, and you will celebrate the new child with joy. It DOES get better. Please hang in there.

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