He's the perfect husband, but still working on the dad part...
Let me paint this picture.
My husband and I are best friends. I mean BEST friends. We were great friends before we started dating, dated for 2 years, had an amazing engagement, and and even better marriage. He could not have been more excited about me being pregnant (Unplanned, but hey who's isn't these days?) During my pregnancy he was the absolute best husband and soon-to-be father. I'm talkin' shaved-my-legs-for-me-because-i-gained-60-pounds-and-he-still-loved-me kind of guy.
Here's the problem: I feel like I can't trust him to take care of our son while I'm away even if I'm only gone for an hour or two. I had a 6 week maternity leave but I returned to work a couple of weeks ago and now it's like he's gone completely nuts!! He forgets the basics while he's watching him...
(i.e. I had to work late one night so he was going to make dinner. He started to boil the water on the stove and left him alone in the house while he went outside to get the mail. One thing led to another and he ended up staying outside for 45 minutes talking to neighbors instead of coming back inside. It didn't dawn on him to come back inside to check on Jackson (7 weeks old) until everyone outside heard the fire alarm going off (because the boiling water had of course spilled over and our stove was on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
After all of that happened without me knowing because I was still at home, when he picked me up from work Jackson was not BUCKLED in. When I opened the back door of our car to see my baby after a long day at work he just sort of fell out of his seat!
I am so lost on what to do, because my husband is normally a very responsible person and I know he truly loves our son, that's not the issue. Also I don't really know what to do because now I don't really trust him to watch him alone, but it's not fair to him to put that sort of pressure on him either, please help!! Any advice at all would be GREATLY appreciated!
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3 Answers
Hmmm. If he were a woman, we'd be screaming for CPS! (No, no, just a joke.)
You need to calmly discuss your fears with your husband. The baby should not be in the room when you do. (It'd be best if the two of you were alone, on neutral ground.)
He'll be defensive, 'cause I'm sure the man is feeling pretty out of sorts. If he seems receptive, perhaps you could suggest a local parenting class. Maybe he really just made a couple of mistakes. (We all do in the early days.)
If he is adamant that he's done nothing wrong, that's when you may have a problem. Insisting that everything is fine would indicate a passive-aggressive stance toward your son, and your husband may require some counseling to work out his inner resentment. (It happens. All the time, to perfectly reasonable, loving men. Don't feel bad for thinking it.)
I wish you and your husband and your son the very best of luck. With love and patience all will work out just fine.
Wheeler's advice sounds good, but I wanted to add from my own experience. My husband and I went through similar experiences. If I confronted him on what seemed like, lack of caring, on his part he would fly off his rocker proclaiming "I do care...."
Of course, to me it seemed like it was just words because he never followed through. Finally, we went to see marriage therapists because I felt alone and betrayed that he could not help. For awhile I even thought he was doing everything half-way because he didn't want to do it. I thought it was his ploy to get out of the responsibilities. It took a couple, but finally one recommended for him to see a neuro-psychiatrist.
After the second trip to his new doc, he was diagnosed with Adult ADD and mild depression (as a result of the ADD). My husband also has dyslexia, which he has worked to overcome but still trips him up here and there. He has been on medication to "rewire" his thought processes and teach him to focus on his task in front of him.
I could tell a difference immediately, but it is not perfect, and it's an ongoing growth process. It's difficult for adults (men or women) to relearn their habits, but it is steadily working and I don't feel so alone knowing he is trying&improving. Additionally, he just found out the president of a major airline has the same thing and seemed happy to know other successful men struggle with the same thing.
The only way to really know is to have him see a professional who can help. That initial step is really the hardest part. However, if he loves his child (which it sounds like he does because he starts the projects to care for them), he is probably beating himself up inside over these things as more than anyone else could. Hope this helps...
I agree with some things the others have said but my husband started all over with a baby after not doing it for twenty years. It has been hard on him but I leave little notes such as how much water, formula, where the diapers, etc are and if he has a question which most of the time he does he will call. I do this everytime I go anywhere because he too is scared to be by hisself with a infant. Just talk to your husband and help him get through this with love and patience and it will all work out in the end.
Good luck with your problem and just do what is best for you and your family.