Help! Teen is out of control and destroying family!
Please help. What would you tell a parent who has a very responsible 20 year old son and a polite and well mannered 13 year old daughter, but her 15 year old son has been increasingly belligerent and defiant, acting out in ways that hurt others since he was 10? He steals from family members, takes credit card numbersand uses them causing bills over $600, gives girl friends his mother's jewelry, smokes, refuses to do school work or homework, won't come home on the bus, lies about where he is, vindictively damages property when he doesn't get his way, sends graphic text messages to his girlfriend, bullies his younger sister, lies constantly and makes comments like "you have no proof"and shows no remorse or concern for family members even when he is told that theincreased stress he is causing is having debilitating impacts on his significantly ill mother or in the short term when she falls down the back stairs because she is so upset by his behaviors. He has been sent temporarily to stay with his grandparents to prevent physicalaltercations that he has been instigating.
No matter what they try his parents cannot find a solution. His parents have taken away privileges, worked long term with behavior modification plans, given him more attention than the other children, stripped his room to just a bed, books, and school uniforms. He has been taken to both internal medicine doctors, neurologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and other counselors. The only agreement there appears to be is that he suffered a head injury when he was 10 which seems to be a result of a TBI. Although he was wearing a helmet, he flipped over the handle bars of a scooter and high his forehead just before the helmet began.
His parents are successful and well respected community members who specialize in working with at risk children and children with educational needs, but it seems that no matter what they do he is determined to go down the wrong road. His father works full time as a judge and teaches part time for 3 colleges, as well as picking up extra projects here and there to make up for his wife's unexpected disabling condition taking over 2 years ago. The 15 year old plays on his mother's weaknesses and intentionally stirs up stress and drama when the family is having difficulties, such as bullying his sister and smoking behind the home when his brother is being rushed to the hospital after a forklift of lumber fell on his foot at home.
His mother is afraid to be with him due to false allegations that she punched him. In her physical state she could not have done this and the other children saw her grab his arm and he threw hhimself to the floor. On Thursday night he did the same thing to his father even though his mother could see them the entire time as his father poked at his chest after learning that he had balled up his fist at his sister.
Does anyone have any suggestions????? This family is unraveling at the seams.
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4 Answers
First of all I would like to offer you my DEEPEST SYMPATHY! Bless your heart! This is a horrible challenge for any parent to have to go through with a child they gave birth to..... i went through a very simular situation 10 years ago with my first born and my only son as well.... It really and truly HURTS a mother DEEPLY when she becomes actually AFRAID of her own child!
When my children's father fell into infidelity after a 19 yr marriage, 3 kids....and we were extremely involved in a church organization as well. ( woman didn't cut their hair, weren't allowed to wear jewlery or make-up, and believed that women wore DRESSES ONLY...no pants as that was considered men's apparel....Television was not acceptable so we went 10 years without a TV in our home as well.....) then in 1998 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis... and it wasn't long after that when he went onto the internet ( which was allowed by the church...for some stupid reason? lol) and found a woman who fullfilled his MANLY-FANTASY...she allowed him to have 2-women in bed at the same time, and told him that she loved him so much,she would SHARE him with ME! ( WOW!! WHATTA WOMAN huh?? LOL)
I tried for almost a year to salvage this marriage....but his consistency of going back to her became "OLD NEWS" quickly!
My point is.....my son...unfotunately found out about his father having this affair...and at that time was seeing a girl which we "BOTH" disapproved of....but when Kevin Jr. found out Dad was sseing this..."WOaMAN"...he used it as blackmail in order to see Emily. ( If you let me see Emily...I won't tell Mom that you're seeing Pam! ) You can only imagine how that affected my son mentally.... One day I went into his closet putting away his clothes and found his leather coat on the floor which we got him for Christmas 3 months prior...it was TOTALLY CUT UP all over the jacket? When I questioned Kevin about the coat...his response was this: "Well just be thankful I cut up the coat MOM! Before I cut up the coat I was standing over yours and dads bed with the butcher knife and was going to cut you BOTH UP!!! ( true story! ) :-(
At that time I was teaching school / driving a school bus along with attending night school 3 nights a week.....when my nerves took a toll for the worse...I lost 30 lbs in 2 weeks and dehydration kicked in...the doctor told me to take a 30 day med leave so thats when I decided to move to Indiana near my family.
My first apartment has 2 bedrooms...the 2 girls slept in one room and my son had the other...mom took the couch where I slept every night with "EVERY KNIFE" I owned uner my cushion on the couch for the fear of my son doing something crazy. During one of our arguements....because my son had been drinking ( under-age) he grabbed my thumb...and broke it... :-(
To make a long story short..I had to bring my son to a facility for troubled kids and have him evaluated, where he remained for 2 weeks and followed up with anger control management and medications. I was also advised to go to the juvenile center and take out a "refusal to obey" form. It was a good thing I did too. A month later we had yet another confrontation over his guitar that I gave to my mother over in Louisville to hold onto for me...as that was the way my son could be grounded and actually FEEL it. He threatened to kick my "A" and whoever else had his guitar! I picked up the phone and told the police I had an outta control teenage boy who made a physical threat to me...they arrived and took my son to the local "youth shelter" where he remained for 2 weeks. I am proud to say that my son now is the PROUD FATHER of a beautiful baby girl....and has been at his job now 4 years along with receiving 2 job promotions and attends college as well 3 nights a week!
( Where was the anger coming from? Unfortunatley my 3 children all witnessed their father's physical abuse to me....prior to the affair...and each of them dealt with this in their own way...) :-( I later found out the reasons for my son's anger. He was in football and was very dedicated, where he used "steroids" to help build muscles.....all that did was increase his rage even more! I also found out...years later that he had an addiction to cocaine.....along with a servere drinking problem whic I was however aware of...)
I was in denial as a parent, unfamiliar with the signs of steroids, drugs and how they affect a person.....even though I was finding little cut up straws in the trash...I never DREAMED that my son would ever get involved with something so dangerous?
In closing I would like to make a suggestion for you.... I would suggest that you take your child to a therapist and have a full evaluation done / as well as drug testing! I cannot express it enough....if you don't act uopn it now...the problem wil only worsen and something drastic could happen! Taking my son to the "Drug / Rehab center was not something I wanted to do; however, TOUGH LOVE was something I heard about in several books I read through my years of parenting...and I knew deep in my heart...it was TIME to use that TOUGH-LOVE in order to save my child!
I hope that by sharing my story with you somehow lets you know, "you are NOT ALONE" and with this thing called... PEER PRESSURE consuming our young people population....as PARENTS we need to be there for each other!
I am GRATEFUL for the MOTHER'S CLICK...I wish I joined sooner!! :-)
God Bless you!
Let me know how things are going!
Patricia
If the head injury has caused this behavior, then I'd think that there would be an imbalance somewhere due to injury. There are many many parts of our brains that control every little thing we and our bodies do. It should be taken very seriously that something is "off" with his sense of consequence. That can become more and more dangerous.
Has this child been on any kind of medication(s) and if so, how many different kinds/which ones?
It's hard to tell if there is something else going on in this house though. Sometimes things aren't the way people see them. I'd hate to medicate a child if there were something else going on.
Unless someone were to actually observe this child and his family members, it's pretty impossible to give advice with this situation.
It is a very sad and scary problem. I hope things turn around for this family.
This might sound harsh, but next time he assaults one of his family members or steals from them, put him in jail. sometimes kids have to suffer the consequences. As parents,we can only do so much, we can bail out our children so many times. If he has medical problems due to a head injury, he needs to learn certain things will be tolerated and certain things will not. This is such a difficult question to answer, but maybe its time for him to take some responsibility, it may help it may not.
But the fact is the eventually he will have to take responsibility, much rather it be in juvie than prison.
I CAN HELP U, I HAVENT READ YOUR STORY.......... IF U USE MY TIME AND EMAIL ME BACK I WILL HELP U I HAVE ANSWERS SACRED REAL EYE OPENING EVENTS FOR TROUBLED PEOPLE I CAN REALLY HELP IM VERY SERIOUS I HAVE THE TIME IF YOU DO TO GET REQAL ANSWERS
ATISHA