Having a baby
So i am 19 and i just found out i am going to have a baby. I have been dating Doug who is 27 for about 6 months and everything has been going great. We dont fight or get mad and love spending time with each other. I found out about a week ago that i am having a baby. Now I have had time to take it in and realize that my life is changing but i know i can handle a baby cause i am a very strong person. Doug on the other hand didnt take it to well. The first thing he asked me was what are our options. I was devistated. I told him our options are we are having a baby and that is it. He was a little mad at me for my response but he started to act like everything was alright and that he knows what is ahead of him. Until we were talking last night and he asked me not to tell many people cause we arent 100% sure we are having a baby. I looked at him and was very confused. He said well you know things can go wrong and you can have a miscarage. To me i just feel like his sits at home and prays something will go wrong cause HE doesnt know if HE is ready for a baby when he is a grown man with a great job and life well lived. What do i do for him to convince him not to think that way and to convince him that a baby is going to make a great change in his life. I know once it sets in he is going to be a great dad but for right now i cant take the hurtfull things he keeps saying. What sould i say to him to help him though this?
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6 Answers
Rachel,
First things first, does he want the baby? That is the most important question he needs to answer if he does then you won't have to convince him. I am NO expert.
Laura
what if he doesnt? what do i do then?
Rachel,
First of all you take care of yourself and this baby. If he doesn't - which don't get upset for nothing he very well could be very happy and very scared being a new dad at any age is scary my husband became a dad at 19 and boy was he scared now my stepson is a young man who has turned out great even under the worst situation.
Communicate alot and if you find yourself doing this without him, find support for your single mothers there are many!!! You can email me if you would like.
Laura
Rachel, I was 18 when I married back in 1987. I found out I was pregnant on our first anniversary in 1988. I can't say that your situation is exactly like mine was. Your guy could be scared to death and "come around". But you have to face the reality that he might not change his thinking. I read this question and when I was reading, it was just a little eerie cause I could've been writing it way back when. Our son was born in 1989 and our daughter was born in 1992. I spent fifteen years of my life trying to convince my ex-husband that being a dad is a wonderful thing and to embrace fatherhood. It didn't work. You cannot convince someone of something that they just don't feel. Either way you have decided to have this baby and you're gonna be a momma and this kid needs you. No matter what happens, take care of yourself and be a healthy mom. Alleviate unneeded stresses so that you can have a healthy pregnancy. Surround yourself with positive people, maybe family or friends who are thrilled with you having a baby (you should tell them, they can be invaluable to you for support). Keep praying that he will get over his fears. Maybe invite him to an ultrasound or to hear the heartbeat. But realize that if he doesn't change his mind, it is up to you. All I can say, and please don't think I am trying to be harsh here, but if he doesn't change his mind, don't waste the rest of your life trying to convince him to be a dad. The child will suffer. The child will know that he is not wanted. They pick up on it from a very young age. Don't do that to your child. I totally agree with Laura's posts. If you find yourself going it alone, you CAN do it. I am living proof of that. After three years of being a single mom I met a great guy who is an awesome stepdad to my kids. They adore him and he adores them. He loves them because he WANTS to, not cause he feels he has to. They do not have contact with their biological father (his choice). Once you become a mom, you will experience a love, a bond, that you never could have imagined existed. It goes beyond what you can feel for a man. Being a parent is the hardest and most rewarding experience in life. In the meantime, keep yourself healthy. OK? Get started on your prenatal visits if you haven't already. Take care of you and your baby NOW. You have time later on to focus on what you want to do regarding your relationship with the baby's dad. Just be positive around him concerning the pregnancy and give him time. If you need an ear feel free to contact me.
My boyfriend (now he's my husband, we have been together for 3 yrs)) was the same way when he found out we were pregnant with our daughter. He was not 100% happy about becoming a father. He is now a wonderful husband and a great father. What did it for him was seeing her on the monitor when we had our ultrasound. Once he saw her he did a 180 and is now completely happy with his life and tells me all the time how grateful he is that i did not give up on him. He loves our daughter to pieces and could not imagine his life without her now. (she is 4 mo old). Try to give him some time to process things and let him sort out his feelings. He may come around. If he doesn't, you will be a great mom and can do anything on your own. (i also have a 7 yr old that i raised by myself). If you need anything or just want to talk, please do not hesitate to contact me. I have been where you are and i know how you feel. Try not to stress about things and take care of yourself and your baby. It will be the best experience ever.
I agree with the previous posts....he's going to be a father whether he likes it or not. But the real question is...is he going to be a participating father, will he embrace the pregnancy and fatherhood? He could be scared. give he some time to warm up to the idea. Let him be a part of the Dr. visits. Join a pregnancy class.
For my husband, seeing the ultra sound and hearing the heartbeat sealed the deal! But you also need to talk about your future together. Babies aren't free. And it's not just the money issues either. Taking care of a child takes a lot of time and energy...and mommies seem to have an unlimited energy resource but we need help...since it is, their child too.
good luck to you.