Parents of Tweens and Teens
A safe place to connect with other parents on this journey through adolescence. Goal? To learn to make parenting choices that truly encourage the healthy social/emotional development of your sons and daughters.
46 Members
Club type:
Common Interest
Leader:
Annie_Fox
Created:
Sep 02, 2009
Question
Does your teen have a curfew and how do you enforce it?
When my teen wasn't driving, I'll admit that the curfew was as much about me having to go pick him up as it was getting him home at a decent hour.
When he first began driving, I wanted him home before dark but now, I'm good with midnight-ish. My husband balks at that, thinking he should be home sooner, but on a Friday or Saturday night, I don't see the problem.
My son is very good about calling as it gets late to tell me where he is and when he plans to come home. It may be naive of me, but I trust that he is where he says and if he's at a friend's house up the block, I don't worry too much about the time.
So I'm curious. What kinds of curfews do you set for your teens and if they don't comply, what are the consequences?
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8 Answers
First off, you and your husband need to come to an agreement about what the two of you, as the parents, are comfortable with in terms of a curfew. It's no good to have you sending the message "Be home at midnight-is" when your husband is coming from "Uhhhh, I'd like you home earlier."
When parents aren't on the same page when it comes to any family rule, then teens will find lots of wiggle room and justification for not complying.
The truth is that most driving accidents happen between 11 pm and 8 AM. Some are due to driving under the influence and some to fatigue, and some to driver distraction. So having a new young driver home earlier rather than later isn't a bad idea.
That said, curfew is a family issue. From a teens perspective, there ought to be a rational for your rules. They hate arbitrary limits on their freedom. So whatever you guys agree on, have it make sense.
As for what happens if teens don't comply with family rules and agreements... that should be decided AHEAD OF TIME in a family meeting. That way, when a teen chooses to blow off a curfew, he knows that he's just chosen the ramifications. No surprises. No arguments.
Annie Fox, M.Ed. author, educator, online adviser for tweens, teens, & parents
http://anniefox.com
Ah, but getting the husband to agree is the tricky part, LOL. He still thinks of our son as a little boy. He's this way with many of the kids in our lives. We have a close friend who's little girl started dating and my husband's response is, she can't be dating, she's only 12! Sorry honey, she's 17. Apparently you've been asleep these past 5 years.
I didn't have a curfew as a kid, so I'm sure that influences my feeling that coming home after midnight is perfectly reasonable.
As for the driving accidents, yes, that's a big part of my concern and why I'd be less cool with him staying out until midnight at a party in Los Angeles (an hour away by freeway) than at his friend's house up the street. (Yes, I know accidents occur near home but I think there's logic there -- maybe not.)
In my city it is pretty cut and dried. Kids under 12 can't be out without parents after 8PM. Ages 12 to 14 its 10PM. For kids older then 14 to17 there is an 11PM curfew on school nights, doesn't matter if kid is in school or not. So any teens with a job, employers are required by law not to have them working past 10PM on a school night. Weekend the city curfew is an extra hour.
But actual enforcement of the law...only in the malls. I have never heard of kids being pulled over or pulled off the street for breaking curfew. On the rare occasion it is enforced its $25 for a broken curfew.
I am assuming yours is between 16-18 so a midnight curfew is not completely out of line on the weekend. But I have to say for my son it wouldn't be midnigh..ish. It would be a hard and fast midnight and a phone call even if only going to be five minute late.
Actually my son is nearly 19 and we do have a curfew in town. I know the police do stop and question kids who are out late, particularly at the local shopping center where they tend to congregate.
I guess part of it for me is a kid can get into trouble at 10 as much as he can at midnight. It's still about trusting that they're not getting into trouble and that they're hanging out with good people.
On TV the other night I heard a kid say, parents are always saying, "it's your life" but then they tell you how to run it. How true, how true.
Curfew from what I've experienced through my years of raising 3 kids... AND being a SINGLE-MOM...changed with each child. ( I call it the learning experience lol)
As a new single mom when my son was 15 he would go out with his friends on a school night and I expected him home by 10. Then on weekends it would be 1:00am.
With my second child (which was a girl) I tightened the ropes a little so to speak. Because things are MUCh different for girls....I had to know WHERE she was going to be, also have a phone number of the home where she would be. ( I wouldn't allow her to go to a home unless I FIRST met the parent / parents. That was ALWAYS my mom's GOLDEN RULE as well ) LOL
Now with the last one at home in the nest...who is also a girl and age of 16...going on 30. (lol) When she has plans to go somewhere I want DETAILS! I expect a call from her from the home where she plans to visit.... and WHEN she arrives there....so the number is on my caller ID. Her curfew is based on exactly what it is that she is desiring to do. For instance: If she is just going to go to Taco Bell with her friends...if she leaves the house at 5:00pm....then getting back home shouldn't be...10:00pm. If they are going to see a movie I want the time the movie begins and what time it's over etc. I usually already have the cell numbers of the friends that she hangs around with...so communication is already set.
Something that I have learned through the years is.... just because there's a CURFEW so to speak...doesn't neccessarily MEAN...they can stay out for HOURS...it is ALL depending upon the activity which is planned for the evening.
Something else that I practice in my home is: If you go over to your friends house and spend the night...then the next time it is THEIR TURN to spend the night over you house. ( I do that because it gives me the chance to get to know her peers better by interacting with them...playing a board game with them...or watching a movie together etc )
Growing up a 60's child back when KIDS feared their PARENTS....and seeing now-a-days how society has somehow allowed our younger generation to totally turned things around...now it seems as though the PARENTS are actually FEARING their KIDS? I believe in respect and expect to receive respect back in return. Trust is something that we earn when we act responsible and NOT just because our kids say so.... lol
I lost my mother 3 years ago....and find myself thinking to myself...."What would your mother do in this situation? How would she react?" What wise words would she choose? With that being said, although "TIMES HAVE CHANGED".........OLD REMIDIES are still the ones which we can truly trust to cure WHATEVER challenges we are facing.
I would like to DEDICATE this paragraph to my MOTHER who made me the WOMAN I am today because of her TOUGH-LOVE and consistancy through the years.... She always BELIEVED in me...through it ALL...... NEVER gave up on me!! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!
#1 Treat others as you want to be treated yourself. #2 You can lock your door to a theif...but not to a LIAR! #3 You "ARE" the "COMPANY" that you keep. (whoever you hang around and whatever bad choices they make, others will judge you because you are with them.) #4 If you want a friend, you must FIRST be a friend. #5 A person is ONLY as good as HIS WORD; if his word is no good...then what does that say about him?#6 Home should be CLEAN enough to be HEALTHY and dirty enough to be HAPPY! And LAST but certainly not the least........lol #7 Children not only live what they learn...but they also learn what they've lived..... God Bless MOMS EVERYWHERE!!! :-)
Hope that you receive a blessing from this today!
WOMAN'S JOKE for TODAY: Why did GOD call woman...woman? Because after HE created her...HE stepped back...looked at his perfection and said..."WOoo-a-MAN!!!!!!" ( Now THAT'S PERFECT!!! ) Hahahaha!!!
Have a BLESSED and BEAUTIFUL DAY MOMS!!!! :-)
Patricia
I give curfews to all my kids above 10. Here's my system:
Age-10+8=curfew
For example, my 12-year-old daughter's curfew is 10PM. On weekends if it's a party I increase time they can be out by an hour. The latest anyone can be out is 1AM, 2AM on weekend nights. If I had been allowed out that late when I was their age, I still would have gotten enough sleep. Somehow I can get four hours of sleep at night and still be rested in the morning, which is good for looking after 12 sick kids and 4 babies.
Your friend,
Hailey
My 17 year old son is to be back by 9 on week days and midnight on weekends. Midnight is the curfew for 17 year olds to be driving so he is expected home before that. If he does not come home on time he is not allowed out the night night or weekend.
My 15 year olds have the same deal, but it is a little different for each of them. My son has been in some trouble and was in rehab in August. I like him to be home earlier so he is allowed out until 7 on week days and 10 on weekends. For my daughter it is different. They do not drive yet, but several of her friends do and the driving curfew for 16 year olds is 11, so I expect herto be home before that. Again, if they are not home on time they do not go out the next night or weekend.
My husband is on board with our 17 year old son and daughter, but he does not like our 15 year old son to even be out as late as 10 and he calls him every hour to check in when he is out. My son thinks it's unfair, but after all he's been through I think it's reasonable for him to be on a tighter leash.
Im not a mother of a teen but it was not that long ago. What my parents did with me was it depended on how old i was beacuse my brother was 3 years older than me so he got to stay out later. If the teen is late give him a warning not unless he calls and says tht he is running late. I did that with my parents and they began to trust me but when i broke that trust they got right back on me so it is just how the teen acts and what you and your husband can agree on.