Desperate for advice. Husband undecided.
This is my first time on this site and I am hoping to get some advice. I am 31 going on 32 and my husband is 35. We have been together for 6 years and married for almost 2. We have had many conversations about when we would start a family and even began preparing to start trying in Feb. I got off the pill, started taking prenatal vitamins etc etc.
Now that the date is coming closer my husband has been having panic attacks and has decided that he wants to hold off trying to get pregnant. The quick back story is that he is a broadcaster with a demanding schedule that requires him to be out of town and home very late quite often between August and New Years. The rest of the year his schedule is great. He is aiming to make some changes and is concerned that having a child is going to make him feel trapped and unable to advance his career.
I am torn about what to do here. I have told him that I am willing (but very sad about) to put or planning on hold. But he needs to work out with me when job and schedule aside we will start trying no matter what. He is unwilling to do this. Saying that he can plan everything and he doesn't know.
I know a lot of you might say leave him. But this is not something I want to do. I love this man with all my heart and truly believe we are meant for one another. I am having a difficult time getting him to see my fears about putting off pregnancy. We have started seeing a therapist together about this issue as well. I don't know what to do though. I feel trapped and very sad. He is so depressed about this as well because he really does not want to disappoint me.
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2 Answers
Personally, I would go back on the pill and continue with counseling. I would not expect to make a decision about this any time soon. Counseling takes time. If you were to get pregnant now, it will only cause more problems between the two of you. You don't need that, believe me I know what it is like to want a baby very badly. I also know what it is like to be in a relationship with a man who decides he's not cut out to be a father once the kids are already here. If you truly love him and leaving him is not an option for you, then you will have to be patient and wait. Realize that you can't convince him that having a baby is the right thing to do. It may not be right for him. Your counselor should be able to bring that to the surface if your husband is serious about going to counseling. If it comes out that he does not really want children and is only doing it to make you happy, I'm sorry you don't want to hear this, but if having children is THAT important to you, do you really have an option regarding the relationship? You say that you yourself "feel trapped and very sad". Marriage is not always wonderful and all rosy, it has down times, but you shouldn't feel trapped. If you truly love each other and want this relationship to work, you will reach an agreement that is do-able for both of you. Both of you might have to make some compromises. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to do that, or if you are so set on having a baby that it's going to be your way or no way. Sorry to be blunt, but if he decides he never wants children, are you prepared to deal with that? I would lay all of your feelings and concerns out there at counseling, giving your husband the chance to do the same, and let your counselor help the two of you work things through. It's not going to be a fast fix. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. Hang in there. You will get through it.
It seems to me that there are underlying issues with your husband that may not have to do with his job. He seems very fearful to me. Thing is he needs to figure out what he's afraid of..providing for his family, nervous about being a da, change???? I think the couseling is a good idea I would put it on hold until you both can come to an agreement.
I would only being to worry if it goes into years of indecion, then you have a problem but for now just take it 1 day at a time. Good Luck