Being mom and step-mom
I am a first time mother, but have a fourteen year old step-daughter. She is not handling the changes well and is acting out in order to seek attention. We have always had a little trouble getting along (of course, I am the evil step-mother), but now things are getting so much worse. She hates me because I had a baby, but does not seem to show any hateful emothions toward her father. I did everything I could to include her in the pregnancy in order to ease her into this, but nothing seems to have helped. She has causedme physical harm in the past, and now, due to her jealousy, I am afraid of what she will do to my baby, but I cannot pay attention to every move she makes constantly. I have already caught her putting soap on the babies clean bottle nipples and in her bottles. Please someone help.
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4 Answers
Hi Hannah, I can really sympathize with your struggle. Very hard to enjoy your baby when there is friction w/ your step-daughter. While I am certainly no expert, I can offer this from my own experience. I have a 11-year old step-daughter (and a 9 yr. old step-son) and a 2 year old girl of my own. Here is what I would suggest you consider: How much love, interaction, attention, support, is your step-daughter getting from your husband? While you obviously feel the burden b/c her anger is directed at you, I doubt you are the source of your s.d.'s insecurity. She may feel threatened by you (and now your baby, also a girl...) b/c you compete for daddy's time and attention, and she may be feeling like she's the loser. This can create instant hostility toward you and your new daughter b/c she blames you for "stealing" what she may not feel like she gets enough of: Daddy time. When my husband is investing in my step-daughter, she doesn't care what the rest of the world dishes out; she is happy and confident b/c her Daddy obviously loves her. Maybe you can solicit your husband's help to spend some real quality time w/ your s.d. over the long haul and see if that helps the relationship between all four of you. Best of luck, and my heart is with you. Often there doesn't seem to be much support out there for us "evil ones..."
- Noelle Grier
Everything already revolves around her. My husband bases everything that he does on her and solely on her. He constantly tells her how he still loves her and that he won't stop just because there is a new baby, then goes as far as to tell her that he loves her more (you can imagine how this makes me feel). Even while I was in labor, all he was conxerned about was getting her to the hospital to the point where he left to go get her himself. Then, when it came time to push, she was curled up in his lap giving me this-"I have him and you don't" grin. I had a tough delivery and the staff was concerned about me hemmoraging, but that did not stop him from leaving to take her out to eat not even 15 minutes after I deliverd. I was in the hspital for several days due to my complications and the baby's, and when I finally got to come home, I ripped my stitches out trying to do too much while he took her to ride her dirt bike. I was not even supposed to be on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time and he left me home alone with a sick-screaming new-born. She hadn't wanted to ride her dirt-bike in over a year until I was 17-18 hours into labor, then she wanted to go right then. I really feel that he is trying too hard and she sees that she is getting whatever she wants from him while his other daughter gets no attention from him and neither do I. I cannot help but be bitter because his daughter has brought nothing but hurt into my life and now she is going to do the same thing for my daughter. I have tried talking to him about it but he does not see anything she does as being wrong and I am just being mean if I say anything about it. I am beginning to wonder if I made a mistake by marrying him, regardless of how much I love him. Also, it isn't just him, it is his whole family. His mother had the nerve to tell me that my daughter is sick because she is jealous of her sister and wants her attention too. Recently, our daughter had to be put to sleep for some testing, he didn't want to take off work to be there, but he took off a whole day because his daughter had her tonsils taken out (electivly) and then called every hour to check on her. I just don't know what else to day or do to change the situation, but something has got to give! I am sorry to rant this long, I know it is know concern to you, but I am at my wits end! Thank you for your advice!
--Hannah
We were not put on earth to see through each other, but to see each other through!
We were not put on earth to see through each other, but to see each other through!
I can totally understand where you're coming from. I too have a stepdaughter (aged 13) and I'm expecting my first baby. She too is having trouble with the changes and doesn't really like me. This makes for a difficult environment - especially because she lives with us. I have managed to persuade her (although I'm 100% sure she doesn't want to) to get involved with my pregnancy, which at first was difficult, but is becoming easier.
I think you need to enlist your husband's help here. Does he know about the soap incident? If he does, and has brushed it aside then that is giving her the green light for next time. You need to pull her up about this (regardless of how long ago it was) and explain that it is close to child cruelty and isn't acceptable for someone of 14 years old. Perhaps hubby will be able to reinforce that point.
I think she is more than likely more jealous of you than your daughter. However, she realises she can't quite get away with putting soap allover your dinner plate, so she does it to the baby as she knows it will hurt you twice as much. Perhaps if you sit her down and talk to her about what exactly is bothering her so much then you might be able to come to a better agreement. I tried this with my SD and at first, she didn't want to talk to me at all, so I left her alone. A few nights later I tried again and she admitted she might be "a little bit jealous" of me but wouldn't say anymore. I finally took full advantage when DH went away on business. We put a film on the tv (sort of as an ice breaker) and to cut a long story short - she's scared of losing her Dad as she feels he's the only one she's got now as unforunately, her Mam has passed away. This shocked me, not only because she'd actually told me (yes, I'm the evil stepmother too! Eviler than all the rest) but because she's never let her guard down like that before. She's always been a tough kid. She said - through a lot of tears - a new baby will make the rift even bigger. I didn't (and still don't) really know what to say. I just know she'll need lots of involvement and reassurance.
Perhaps you could try and involve your SD a bit more. You never know, she might become more interested. Start off with little things like "Oh ______, please would you put her shoes on while I go and get my jacket" She might roll her eyes, but would like the involvement as it's a form of attention - even if it's attention from the SM - she will be pleased that you would like to rely on her. She probably likes you deep down because if she really disliked you, she wouldn't bother trying to take her Dad's attention from you, she'd just avoid you alltogether.
I also agree with you that your husband needs to get his priorities sorted. She cannot get her own way the whole time. It will only get worse if she is allowed to carry on like she is.
Jennifer
I currently have a 9 month old daughter and am pregnant again with my second child due in feb. My boyfriend who is the father of my soon to be 2 children has a 9 year old daughter. She is here for the summer. I am finding it really hard to watch her every moment with my 9 month old. She has been saying things to her like "your mommy doesnt love you' and even wrote a note I came across recently that said your mommy hates you and your new mommy is my step daughters mother. I have talked to my boyfriend about this but I dont know if he really knows what to do either. She has been to couselling and they were worried about her and said one day she might just go crazy. This puts me in a bad spot as I am scared for my child and unborn child. I have come across pictures that has her mommy and daddy together happy beside a grave with my name on it. I have tried everything. I tried being her friend and taking her places. Taking her out alone shopping just her and I. I dont know what else to do. My boyfriend doesnt believe she will do anything drastic as she is only 9 years old. I am not so sure. And we cant talk to her mother as she is basically crazy. She has hated me from the beginning just cause I am with my boyfriend. She no longer has that hold on him any more cause he has a child with someone else. She has been telling her daughter that her father doesnt love her anymore and thats why he is having a new family. And to keep a diary on everything I do which is another thing I came across. Everytime I say have a bath or get ready for bed. She writes in her journal I am mean to her. I also caughter her spying on me getting dressed. Its getting creepy. And I am stumped as to what to do. Its only the beginning of summer. How can I go through the whole summer scared? And my boyfriend doesnt know what to do so he jokes about her killing me and says put all the sharp objects away. But to tell you the truth, maybe I should...... please help!