Am I completely wrong if I choose to name my child without my baby's father's input? We are not together and I already suggested naming the baby after him to which he declined.
Hello all,
I am new to this site and forgive me if I do not use it correctly on my first try.
I am currently going through my 25th week of my first pregnancy. I am 32 years old and my baby's father and I are not together. We were dating for about 6 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. A month after that, it was pretty much down hill. We have not gotten along for most of the pregnancy, however, he does show up for all the pre-natal visits. Our main problems began with his need for attention and affection, two things I was not able to give him (especially during the first trimester). I became resenful for his lack of understanding and stopped feeling safe with him ever since. Of course it did not help that he was going out with his boys to the bars/clubs/cookouts, etc., while I was feeling depressed and scared for this new change in my life.
Long story short . . . we are not together because of my believe in his inability to be loyal or faithful to me. I could not take the risk of being disrespected or hurt while I was pregnant (and non-sexual), simultaneous with his lack of understanding for my hormonal and emotional changes due to the pregnancy (all while he was able to do everything he was able to do before my pregnancy).
Fast forward: We got into a big fight about 8 weeks ago because of " other women" in his life and to his misfortune his phone got turned on when I called while he was with another woman. Up until then, we were sort of trying to get to know each other just in case this whole hostile approach was part of the pregnancy. When this happened, I felt totally betrayed and correct with my original belief he would not be capableof being faithful.
Since then, everything has changed. I don't want him in my life. I only get pure anxiety when I deal with him. We have different communication abilities and they are not compatible. So every call turns into an argument.
We will be great parents while we parent separately. He will have his access to the baby (as the law permits him). He will witness his birth if he so desires etc. but he does not need to be part of my everyday move (until the baby is born).
After the big fight, I decided to name the baby. I originally proposed to name the baby after him, to which he declined. Then, I decided since we are having a biracial, bicultural child that culture and identity were quite important to me, and that I would prefer if his name were of a Latino root (since my baby boy will have a non-Latino last name). He shut down my idea (withtout being sympathetic to what is important to me being a Latina). We have barely spoken in the last 6-8 weeks. I already have two possible names. I shared them with him today. He does not like the first name. I told him that was not negotiable. He got really angry. I did not care.
I know this is a long introduction, but I am just getting ready to be a single mother and really do not care about his input at this point. I am not trying to prevent him from having a relationship with his son as I do not plan to interfere with visitations and/or family gatherings and other activities of that nature.
I feel as if I am having my baby with a stranger (pretty much) and that we tried to do the "right" thing at first but I am no longer interested because we just end up arguing about everything. I want to enjoy the next 15 weeks and get rid of all the negative memories I already have about him and this pregnancy. This is not how I envisioned my first pregnancy and I am sad and upset most of the time.
Please provide any advice that can shine some light on this personal tangent.
Much grateful,
Frustrated First-time-mom-to-be.
Click to add these tags to your Interests:
Read more: 
3 Answers
Hi firsttimemomtobe,
I'm also new on here (joined about 10 minutes ago!!)....so looks like you and me have something in common.
I read your post and am so, so sorry you are going through all of this by yourself. I am no counselor and have not been in your situation, but I hope that something I write will make you feel less frustrated and hopefully happier.
It seems as though HE may not know what he should be doing or how to do it......for example.....you became pregnant after 6 wks.....in his head, he's probably swirling around in disbelief and what-if's. It seems that he may want to be in the child's life----by coming to appointments, but is still trying to be the single, unattached by anything kind of guy. He is most likely not ready for the commitment of a relationship, thus pushing you away, not being attentive, etc.....but to him, he may be feeling trapped......which I'm sure you feel in a way too. (Once the baby comes, I bet you won't feel that way any more.....you will be holding a "perfect" angel and the best aspects of you and the baby's father) I definitely don't think he should've been going out with other women after you became pregnant,.....that's a big no-no....but he's probably immature and extremely confused about how his life (and yours!!) has been turned upside down!! Is there any way you guys can have a civil conversation? It may be best if you both see a counselor to be a mediator.......because even after the baby comes, you will still see him and there are going to be resentful feelings from both of you towards each other. That child will pick up on that negativity right away and you definitely don't want that. My son is 2 now, but he knows when my husband and I are not happy with each other. It may be hard at first to talk to a counselor or get him to go as well, but if you let him know that's it's just so your child can have the best parents and know that he/she is loved....it will mean everything to that child. Life as you and the father know now, will never be the same. Why not work together.....even though you will be apart, to provide your child with a secure life......to know that his/her mommy and daddy respect each other even though they don't live together. Basically it's respect you both need from each other, so your child can witness that and one day will know (because you will find someone who will LOVE AND RESPECT you and your decisions) that love and respect don't always have to go together.
As for the name thing, again.......I'm totally clueless as to what you should do. What names does he like? Maybe, you can do the first name and he can pick the middle (as long as it flows, right!!)..........(I had a friend do that).
So to sum it up, I think you and the father should go to a counselor....ASAP. This is serious, and better to start now and build some sort of positive relationship now, than after your child is born, because you will both be super busy.
I hope this helps some.
Sounds like you have a mess, but on the name issue it's pretty simple. Actually carrying and delivering the baby gives you exclusive rights on naming the baby. It sounds as though you are willing to let the child have his last name, so you've been generous enough in this regard. You will be the one who parents this child the majority of the time, and the one who will be asked to explain where her name came from, so it's only fitting that the name be special to you.
As far as the rest of it, treat the relationship with him like a business if it is apparent that it cannot be personal. That means that you interact with the father the same way you would someone you were doing business with. Keep it short, simple, relevant and polite.
Yeah I would say you can do whatever you want! :)
Full time mom creating a passive income, I can show you how, visit http://www.we-pay-it-forward.com.