Question
4 year old running my house!
In January 2006, my husband and I got a divorce. Since then I have moved on with a wonderful man that treats me and the kids great. However since my ex and I seperated the 4 year old has gotten a little out of control. My ex frequently tells her that he will pick her up and hardly ever does calling her with an excuse because he just doesn't want to come. Every time he doesn't show up she gets a little more attitude and a little less respectful. She is to the point where I can tell her something all day and she will just go to her room like I am not even there. Anyone have any suggestions?
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5 Answers
I have a strong-willed 3 year old, also dealing with divorce. The one thing I have found most helpful is to teach her to choose the right actions. I say, "Allie, either you choose to do what I say (listen or obey works too) or you choose to face the consequences." So, either she chooses to do right, or she chooses to loose her blankies - which are her most prized posession! Insetad of having to take something away from her (negative reinforcement), I tell her that she choose to give the object to me. After a few times of choosing to lose her blankies, she began to understand that her behavior has consequences. She is learning to choose what is right - something that will certainly benefit her throughout her days! So whenever your daughter chooses to ignore you, put your foot down and be the mom you can be! impose consequences that are logical (ex. if she doesn't eat dinner, she chooses not to eat dessert, if she chooses to ignore you, she chooses not to be heard by you until she listens).
Katparr is right, and the approach is great. My mom didn't feel like she had a great role model when it came to mothering, so she really paid attention in her child psych classes in college. I didn't realize how much she had taken from that until I took a child psych class myself and recognized that was how I was raised. She gave me choices and helped me understand there are consequences to those choices. It also helps the child feel more in control, which is helpful especially when they're going through something stressful like divorce or a parent, in this case her dad, not always being there when she needs him to be
The other thing to remember is that even if your ex is not coming through for her, stay positive about him in front of her. Don't say anything negative about her dad. I know that's often easier said than done, especially if he's not keeping promises to your daughter. I would even consider not telling her when he's coming. If he's that unreliable, let him be a nice surprise for her when he does come instead of a repeated letdown when he doesn't. She'll be able to keep a more positive attitude toward you as well as her dad when he does show. As she gets older and wants to know more about her dad, don't lie to her, but try to stay as positive as possible. Remember she's likely to internalize whatever you tell her about her dad; he's half of her make-up.
Good luck!
I think she is acting out. She's been through alot in a year. Divorce, disruption, dissapointment and a new man. That's alot for a 4 year old to process. They don't have the abily to process all of their emotions rationally so they act out the only way they know how. I agree with the other moms. Set limitaions and consequences. I tell my 3 yr.old she has a choice of doing what I want or a time out, her choice. Ex: "Come eat your dinner at the table or take a time out, which one do you want?" Either way I get her to do what I want but she feels in control because it's her choice. I also agree with NOT telling her when her Dad is coming. Let her think it's a surprise. That does away with the disappointment. I would let the Dad in on that one. Nicely tell him that when he doesn't show up it really damages his daughters confidence and that you aren't going to tell her when he is coming anymore. Until he can be more dependable you have to be the one to protect her from hurtful things. When she is acting out, give her some alone time to get rid of the high emotion. Then try to talk to her about what is bothering her. My daughter is like me, very emotional, when she is having an uncontrolable outburst of emotion. (usually crying for no reason) I ask her if she needs a few minutes to finish crying, then I tell her to go sit and finish and let me know when she done. After she calms down I give her a hug and tell her it's ok to feel whatever it is she feels but not ok to take it out on others. Don't let guilt get to you, you can't control what her father's behavior is going to be. Just let her know that you love her and will always be there for her. Remember limitations are also a form of love. Best of luck!
Smile, it increases your face value!
Jodi
Smile, it increases your face value! :)
Jodi
Here is an article by America's Nanny, Michell LaRowe about how to deal with strong willed children, http://www.familiesonlinemagazine.com/nanny/strong-willed-child.html
I think you will find it very helpful!
Geraldine Jensen, Editor
Families Online Magazine
http://www.familiesonlinemagazine.com/
Geraldine Jensen, Editor
Families Online Magazine
http://www.familiesonlinemagazine.com/
I too have recently gone through a divorce. My daughter Cassidy in 4 years old lives with me. Because she suffers from autism, our communication is not always conventional.
A behavioral therapist who works with Cassidy recently emailed me this article.
http://autism.about.com/od/copingwithautism/f/divorce.htm
I understand while every child may not have the same obstacles to overcome, each needs to feel secure.
Exceprt from the article:
"It is important not to split your child’s loyalties in two by disrespecting or speaking negatively about the other parent. They do need to be informed about schedule changes and have a clear idea of when they will see their other parent again. Emotional inconsistencies are eased individually; keep in mind the things your child needs to feel warm and safe and comfortable and loved. "