Parents of Tweens and Teens
A safe place to connect with other parents on this journey through adolescence. Goal? To learn to make parenting choices that truly encourage the healthy social/emotional development of your sons and daughters.
45 Members
Club type:
Common Interest
Leader:
Annie_Fox
Created:
Sep 02, 2009
Question
15yr old boy vs. 17yrold girl w/baby & an ex-jelous boyfriend...am i wrong for NOT allowing him to talk to her!
Okay I know i'm NOT wrong, but i just need some other mothers opinions/advice, im new to this website so not even sure i'm putting it in the right spot. Here it goes. My son is 15 and he has been talking to this girl who is 17 at his high school. She has a baby and a jelous x-boyfriend and I don't want my son to have anything to do with this girl not even as friends, but he feels sooooooo sorry for her situation and has been talking to her [my son is VERY mature for his age] lots of people talk to him and tell him their problems...but this situation has gone to an extreme that I am NOT ACCEPTING he be part of at all. She had a very un healthy relationship with her ex and has unfortunatley told all her problems to him and he feels he can fix her or make her feel better about herself and in the process has developed feelings for her...they only see eachother at school, because I forbid him to talk to her on the phone at home or anywhere else, i've grounded him and taken all his stuff away from him but he continues to talk to her at school....
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30 Answers
Hopefully Annie, our resident teen expert (she does it for a living) will chime in, but I hear you loud and clear. The ex-boyfriend issue has popped up in my house and I'm always afraid it's going to lead to someone assaulting someone else. Scares the heck out of me.
Is that the part that's worrying you most or is it the baby? I'm sure the teen mom is having a rough time of it and if your son is someone she can really talk to, then I'd hate to see that taken away from her. And it might also be working for him -- people do love to be needed.
It is important though for him to realize that he can't "fix" her situation. He can listen, and be sympathetic but in the end, she's going live her life and I sense that he'll be very hurt if she decides to go back to the ex (which I suspect will happen at least once in the near future.)
that's the thing, it has exploded,him and a group of kids went to one of those scary house places and her boyfriend saw them together and took her away and beat her up, he's now in jail but i'm sure he'll come out and come straight back to her, even though she says she hates him she's scared of him...and i agree that it might be good for her to have someone listen to her but I don't want him involved with such ADULT matters...he needs to focus on school and sports like he was and he refuses to stop talking to her so I'm like What do i do, i've already grounded him, i know i can't stop him from talking to her at school, but i can sure stop him from going with her anywere or talking to her under my roof....i don't know...should i just let him continue to talk to her as friends since he's most likely gonna continue, or just play it out and see if he'll break and say OK mom you win i'll stop talking to her, but will he REally??? or just tell me that ???
Annie, Resident Teen Expert??? do you have any advice?? or opinion on this??????????
I always think you're treading on dangerous ground when you forbid your children to associate with someone. Your son obviously has a big soft spot for this girl, and that's to his credit, but clearly you don't want him getting hurt. I am having a hard time figuring out what I'd do in this situation, but I think a good place to start is the reality that yes, he very likely will continue to see her even though you've forbade it. And I'd have to ask myself, would I rather he do this behind my back or would I rather be able to ask him where he's going and have conversations about it. I don't have an easy answer for you, I don't think there is one, but I'd be very careful about the boundaries. My heart goes out to you; it must be very scary to watch your son go through this.
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...
Yes, it's SOOOOOOO SCARY because i know as an adult what can happen! this is all so very fresh and we are in the middle of it right now, he even told me he doesn't know what to do, he agrees not to be involved with her but he wants to keep her as a friend...but obviously I DON"T even want him being her friend because any feelings can just grow, which i don't want.... I don't know...but i appreciate your input, and i do agree there probably isn't an answer but as a mother i feel i have to stand my ground and let him know i don't agree with this and if he continues it's not going to be all roses for him! Or am i over reacting?
I don't think you're overreacting to the situation. I'd be extremely worried too. It's just tough to remember that we can't be in charge of our kids' every decision, especially when they're teenagers. You have to trust that you've taught him well (and that it's sunk in!) or at least that, if he makes a big mistake with this girl, he will learn from it and move on. Sometimes the lessons that stay with us the longest are the ones we learn by falling.
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...
I agree, i wish kids would just learn from our mistakes or others and not from their own...but the REALITY is they will have to make those stupid mistakes by themselves in order to learn, but I will still be there advising him of ALL the cons of this situation because there sure the heck is no pro's...lol (from my point of view)
I do trust that he will make the right decision eventually (just hope it's SOONER than later)...it's just a pain having to go through this. Appreciate ur response/input.
I can't even imagine how insane this must be making you! He sounds like a bright kid, though. I really do hope he makes the right decisions here. Keep us all posted!
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...
I don't know.....treading on dangerous ground can be one of "two things"......
#1. We are treading on real dangerous ground "if" we allow them to be around peers who we KNOW are bad influences. #2. We are treading on dangerous ground if we speak the truth and let them know if is no acceptable for them to be around someone who makes "wrong choices!"
So....it can go both ways!
I have witnessed manipulation from my older daughter and I was told by her that if I didn't let her see JR, then when she's 18 she is going to move out... back when she was seeing her bf. ( who is now the father of her 2 yr old baby, he has NO JOB, and they have lost 3 apartments in less than 2 years so they are living with his family in a 2BR trailor with 6 cats..... ) I was told by a few people that "if" I held her back from seeing him that I would only draw her closer to him; therefore, I let go and allowed this person in the presence of my daughter....P.S. when she turned 18...she ended up moving outta my home and in with the boyfriend anyway...... :-(
Just thought I would tell both sides of holding the wrong company away from our precious children.
Patricia
EXCELLENT suggestion Cynthia!!! He needs to know for sure HE CANNOT FIX this situation"...she is almost an adult and it sounds to me...that she needs to stop depending on a "man" to solve her problems. She may be trying to make this other guy jealous...."why do women play that game?" LOL
However, it is TRUE...and they do!
You are not wrong for not letting him see her....and he needs to accept your adult decision seeing as you've got the experience.
Hope everything works out for you!
Patricia