"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
~ Buddha ~

Note: I'm going to refer to my oldest son as Bug in this post.

My 5 year old son, Bug, started kindergarten last Monday and it's been a wild week filled with all sorts of emotions. The first day of kindergarten provided me with a huge reminder of the importance of living in the moment and simply BEING in the moment with my children.

Last Week I Heard About Potential Mommy Tears

During the parent information night on August 25, one of the co-presidents of the PTA told us the moms (and some dads) would probably cry on the first day of school. She even encouraged us to prepare our children for our tears. As that point, I wasn't sure if I was really going to cry, but I went home and told Bug not to be surprised if he saw my tears on this first day of school. He was very surprised that I would even consider crying as I tried to explain they would be tears of joy, tears of a proud mama, similar to tears that are shed at a wedding.

Just the mention of tears got him a bit nervous.

The Morning Arrived - Walking Bug to His First Day of School

On Monday, August 31, my husband and I walked my son to kindergarten. The sun was shining, the air was crisp, and we all had smiles on our faces. The first two-thirds of our walk to school was calm, timeless, precious, and the closest thing to perfect. We were a happy, healthy, and safe family, with all our freedoms, living in the United States of America walking to one of the best elementary schools in Illinois. Life was good, each moment, each breath was down right perfect.

Turning the Corner Towards the School

I started getting nervous butterflies in my stomach by the time we reached the edge of the school. I was so excited for Bug to go to kindergarten, we have been waiting for this exciting moment for so long, but suddenly as a mom, as we turned the corner, I wanted time to stand to still. Actually, I think I wanted to turn back the clock. Each step we took closer to the school, I wanted to run the other way. I wanted to turn back time to grab on to the past (to my 4 year old Bug, to my 3 year old Bug, to my 2 year old Bug, to my baby Bug).

Getting In Line for His Classroom

When we finally arrived to the school, Bug had to stand in line until his teacher walked the entire class inside the school. I stood in line with my son not knowing any of the other students or the other parents. It made me nervous that Bug did not know anyone else in his class. In a flash, like a stab to my chest, I realized my baby was moving into the next huge phase of his life...without me...and without anyone else he knows...and the elephant tears started pouring out of my eyes.

Thank G-d I was wearing big ass sunglasses. I had to excuse myself twice from the line to wipe my eyes and blow my overly emotional mommy nose.

I was able to put myself together before Bug actually walked into school and vanished behind the school doors. I wasn't expecting my heart to sink on the first day of kindergarten...but not only did part of my heart sink, a part of it broke.

The Emotional Flood Gates of Motherhood

Yes...I'm admitting it...and I'd like to know if there is anyone else out there that did the same...

I cried throughout the day during Bug's first day of kindergarten.

Yes, I work from home and was alone all day, so maybe I wouldn't have cried if I was in an office environment all day.

I Didn't Cry Because I was Sad. I wasn't Sad.

I really wasn't sad. I was purely emotional. Sending Bug to kindergarten was an extremely emotional experience for me. I think it stirred up so many different emotions that it resulted in tears. The change was overwhelming that it knocked me down and took my breath away.

Instead of fighting the tears, I just allowed myself to BE with my tears.

Finding the Present Moment

Eventually, the tears stopped and I rode my bicycle built for two over to the school to pick up Bug.

Bug and I had an amazing late afternoon together hanging out, talking about school, and having our first after school snack together. I was no longer missing the younger years of Bug but was simply being in the present, cherishing the precious innocence of what he was experiencing as a kindergartener.

Is There a Balance?

Ever since the first day of kindergarten last week, I've been trying to figure out the balance between letting my son move into the bigger world and wanting to hold him tight and protect him from the world. I know somewhere in between is a fine balance that results in a raising a strong independent man who will contribute great things to our society. The million dollar question...where exactly is that balance?

This is Your Moment

Have you experienced taking your child to kindergarten? Did you cry? Were you emotional? Please, tell me, will this emotional phenomenon happen again on the first day of first grade and second grade and third grade, etc?

Have you discovered your own balancing act of giving your child freedom while also protecting him/her from the world? I'm sure all moms would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section!

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