A Different Kind of Remembrance Day
Last week on October 15th, many mamas were lighting candles in remembrance. That day has been designated as National Pregnancy Loss & Infant Loss Awareness Day.
I had a miscarriage soon after my first child was born. My loss was accompanied with some guilt too – finding out I was pregnant while having a newborn left me horrified. I quickly adjusted to the thought of my “Irish Twins” and was devastated when I miscarried. Then came the guilt – how could I have initially greeted this pregnancy with such little enthusiasm? Guilt and being a mama – a match made in hell.
Almost 10 years has passed since that time but there are two occasions when I am particularly reminded about it:
1) When I see my friend who had a similar due date. Her little girl will be turning nine-years-old next month. I should have someone turning nine next month.
2) When filling out the paperwork in subsequent pregnancies, you are required to record how many live births you have had, and also how many pregnancies. My numbers don’t match. I get shivers thinking about the mamas out there whose numbers REALLY don’t add up, and by a long shot. Just can’t imagine having to write down: pregnancies: 8 / live births: 0
I often think about the mamas who have lost full-term babies or babies during the first year of life. I wonder what happens when they are innocently asked “so, how many kids do you have?”
I think that must be a torturous question – the answer could either make you feel you are not acknowledging your lost child, or alternatively, you have to explain the painful experience to every stranger who is making small talk.
I had a teacher in high school who was raising two daughters, five years apart in age. She had lost her middle daughter, who was severely disabled, after several years of caring for her three girls. She often had people comment to her: “two kids, five years apart in age – what an easy way to do it!”
Little did they know.
I hope that this Day of Remembrance tells the world that mama is entitled to her grief – no matter what form it takes or how long it lasts, which is often a lifetime. So, on this day let us remember our losses. In some ways for many mamas, it is a day like no other – a day that we love and miss our children.
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2 Comments
Julie,
What a lovely message. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose a child. I've heard people say of a miscarriage, well, at least you didn't have time to bond.
How insane. We bond the second we know we're pregnant, maybe even before.
Then, to have that in your mind when you become pregnant again, I don't know how people can do it.
Good thoughts and prayers to everyone in this situation and my hopes that none of our other Mothersclick moms ever have to face such a loss.
This brought tears to my eyes. I feel so very fortunate to have had one healthy child with no miscarriages or problems. I've known plenty of people who've had miscarriages and I know they grieve just the same as if that babe had had a chance to enter the world. I am 16 weeks pregnant again and I pray every day for another healthy pregnancy and child.
When you are pregnant, it's impossible not to think and dream of the life growing in you. Of course you're bonded. The baby is part of you.
My heart will grieve along with all those mamas on this day of remembrance.
Patti
SAHM in SoCal and administrator of the Sleep Forum group, http://www.mothersclick.com/group/sleep-forum and Tri-Counties Moms, http://www.mothersclick.com/moms-club/tri-counties-moms-sb-ventura-slo-c...