Parenthood doesn't have to spell the death of romance and sex!

by Isabelle Gull

Having a child can be an amazing and life-changing experience for a couple, but it can also be an excruciatingly difficult time that can seriously tax a marriage. Krista and Mike Salazar can attest to this. Just a year after the birth of their daughter, they found themselves at the brink of divorce. "I have never felt more discouraged," says 32-year-old Krista, a stay-at-home mom in Los Angeles. "We constantly fought about how much we were each contributing to child care." The Salazars aren't alone in their struggle. A study by the University of Washington shows that more than 30 percent of men and 60 percent of women report a dramatic decline in marital satisfaction after their first baby is born.

While the majority of couples stay married through the infancy and toddlerhood of their first and even second child, the friction created during these periods often leads to escalating problems, and in many cases, divorce. "Marriages often dissolve around the time the kids are four years old," says Alyson Fearnley Shapiro, the lead author of the University of Washington study. "This is when many couples feel they have tried long enough, [so they] give up."That's why it's so important to deal with parenting issues right away - before they have a chance to damage your relationship.

According to experts, breakups can often be avoided if couples are prepared for the strains of the early years of parenthood. To help you and your partner keep your marriage intact, we asked the pros to answer five crucial questions for expectant, new and seasoned mothers alike:

Q. I'm exhausted all the time, which makes me crabby and irritable. How do I avoid overreacting to everything my husband
says and does?

A. Practice self-restraint, recommends Nancy Goodman, a licensed clinical social worker, therapist and parent educator in Colorado. On a scale of one to 10 in which you are grounded at one and extremely irritable at 10, "only engage in [serious] conversations when at three or below," says Goodman. If you're a four or above, tell your husband that you need to discuss the issue when you're in a better mood. "No conversation is worth having when you're that exhausted," adds Goodman, who recommends taking naps and breaks as often as possible to help prevent burnout.

Q. I recently gave birth. What should I do while I'm waiting for my libido to return?

A. "Don't put pressure on yourself to have sex by a certain date," advises Arizona-based life coach Robyn Coffman. Instead, start doing romantic things that will put you in the mood, such as planning regular date nights, cuddling and complimenting each other, or engaging in sexual acts that don't require intercourse. This might spontaneously spark your desire - and put your sex life back on track.

Q. I feel uneasy having sex while the baby is in the room, but I don't feel comfortable leaving her side for a long time. What should I do?

A. Know that it's OK to be both sexual and maternal, and that you won't harm your infant's psychological development by having sex in front of her. If you still can't bring yourself to get busy in the same room as your infant, ease your fear of leaving her side by investing in a good baby monitor.

Q. My husband is jealous because everything centers around me and our child. What should I do?

A. Let Dad spend quality time with the child so he experiences some of the closeness you naturally get as the person who gave birth to your baby. Coffman recommends that you also acknowledge your husband's sense of loss - loss of time, conversation, sex and emotional connection with you - rather than labeling it as jealousy. "Assure him that you feel these losses too, and that you're torn between your loyalty to him and the baby," she says. And seize any opportunity for couple time, intimate conversation and cuddling.

Q. How do I get my husband to chip in when it comes to household chores and diaper changes?

A. "Make a list of all household and baby duties and let your partner pick what he wants to do," says Coffman. "By giving him the opportunity to choose, you may increase his willingness to help." Remind him that you're a better mother and wife when you get some time to yourself. It's also important to stop expecting that everything be done your way - you'll only make your husband feel self-conscious and unmotivated to help.

Take it from the Salazars. After Krista started leaving her husband alone with the baby without dictating what he should do, "Mike learned how much work goes into taking care of a child, which completely changed his perspective. Now he jumps to help me with housework and taking care of our kids. I couldn't be happier," says Krista.

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