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Im not much for this whole "blogging" thing. I was looking for answers about my difective IUD and just happend upon this site. Its been really helpful and helped make my decision to remove the IUD much easier.
Anyway.....I had an experience last night that I felt I really wanted to share with other mothers. My 1 year old has been waking up like he's 2 weeks old again. Every 2 to 2 1/2 hours. ITS MADDENING!! But....last night when he woke up at 11:45, when he had just gone down at 10, I went into his room and picked him up. I got his blanket and turned on the radio very softly. I wrapped him up and sat down in the rocking chair. I was feeling really frustrated. I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. My husband was dealing with our 2 year old who is also REFUSING bedtime right outside the door. I sat there thinking, "Dammit. I cant do this AGAIN tonight!! I have just got to get some sleep. I wish he would hurry up and fall asleep so I can put him down and go lay down!!!"
I had been sitting there for about 10 min. It felt like a freakin eternity. I listened to my Husband put Kinsley to bed and tell her goodnight, let the dogs out and then back in and go lay down himself. It had gotten very quite except for the oldies station softly playing "It too late baby" on the radio. Caleb was asleep and I was thinking "Yes!!". I was just about to put him down when I started thinking.
I looked down at this sweet boy sleeping in my arms and thought "How many mothers out there are sitting awake crying at the devestaing loss of their baby? How many mothers are lying awake whishing they could hold their baby just one more time. How many parents are sitting in hospital rooms praying for there babies, no older than Caleb, to get well and dying themselves beacause they cant help them? How many women are racked with guilt and worry because they have been told they were not able to have any children? How many CHILDREN are lying awake right now without a mom to hold them and love them? How can I be so selfish and self centered to not cherish EVERY moment I get to sit here and hold my son. Every single time I get to tell my 2 year old to go BACK to bed. Everytime I have to get up at 5 am beacause children have no concept of sleep deprivation."
At this point "Caught between the moon and New York city" is playing on the radio and I have worked myself up into a fit. Tears rolling down my cheeks I silentley apologize to the tiny man laying in my arms and end up sitting there in the dark rocking him and listening to the radio until almost 2 am. Sure Im a little tired today and maybe a little cranky, but most of all Im grateful for the opportunity to be so tired and cranky. So many other mothers dont have that luxury.
I just want us all to stop and remeber how LUCKY we all are to have happy, healthy babies that we get to hold and love and even disipline and get angry with. We should NEVER forget how fortunate we are. My heart goes out to every single mom who has lost there baby. I cant even imagine the kind of pain that brings. My thoughts are with you.
Thats about it. Thanks to who all read this and has ever felt the same way!!
Allison