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i never got back did I? And such is the life of a single mom. Especially one who has chosen to still try attachment parenting whilst allowing someone else to parent her child 4 days a week. Which means that I tend to keep B by my side the entire 3 days that I have her. Not out of guilt so much, but out of the idea that in these early years, i want her to be a part of my life as much as i am a part of hers. so this means that we take naps together (mostly) and she goes everywhere with me, mostly, and we get up together (mostly) and go to bed together (mostly). Which means that my alone time is little to none right now. In fact I have to build alone time in. Which I also know is important, and if this were a two parent household, would be easier to build in and maintain this idea of attachment parenting, but since it isnt (and besides, if her biological father was here, would probably still be the same, only worse, cause then there would be strife and yelling, and sometimes more (which is why he is gone)), i have to try to figure this out on my own.
it has been weeks and weeks. B is growing like a cabbage (as they say here). She is crawling and using everything to stand up. She can stand up and hold onto something with just one hand, and the other day, she actually balanced without holding on. but no steps (from herself yet) Auntie A keeps trying but until now, mostly she just puts whatever toy she has in her mouth, sits down and then crawls to the next table to stand up with
remember the battery eating camera story? well I finally broke down and found some nickel cadmium rechargeable camera batteries from Kodak. have charged them all up and am waiting (for today actually) when the disposables die (what irony) to try them out. we will see...
my flights are all booked for october , 5 weeks with B and the family in the US. Opa and Oma in Florida will take care of B while I am one week away on a business trip (also in Florida thank goodness). and then we do a week with the other Oma and Auntie S (this is sad, it is no longer Auntie S and Uncle D, i mean Uncle D is still Uncle D, but now they dont live together anymore). which makes me cry. cause my sister S and her D were my roll models for a relationship. They have been together since she was 19 (she is now 32) which is a long long time. And to the outside world, they had the best relationship. they were best friends, and partners, and loved each other unconditionaly. you could see it and feel it when you were with them. just such a state of calm and peace and love and respect.
but apparently, in the last years, it wasnt a fairy tale anymore. I wont go into details. but suffice it to say that they have decided not to buy a house together and he has moved back to CLT and she has bought her own little house in Asheville. Which makes me happy for her, sad for him, and sad for them.
and i feel a lot guilty about this, but a little relieved isnt the word, um i dont knwo what the word is, will try to explain:
we had a strange childhood, a bit f****d up i would say, for many many reasons. and due to this, i have a very difficult time with intimacy (i dont mean physical intimacy, but allowing myself to trust and really have an intimate relationship with someone), I have commitment issues, and serious separation anxiety. (gosh i hope i dont pass this onto . anyhoo, my track record with men has been shaky, lets just say that i tend to pick and choose my men carefully, and when i find the most distant, arrogant, charming, unresponsive, commitment phobic, sadist that I can, that's when i make my move... the sadism has ranged from verbal and emotional abuse to down right beatings and serious attempts at maiming and although i hate to admit it, killing). which is why B's biological father is no longer in the picture (he liked to hit walls, doors, and me). anyhow, i have gone through a number of different types of men but always tend to fall back to the ones that will push my buttons and hurt me the most (i am smart like that )
so, this is why i was always jealous, envious, and proud of my little sister. Cause i really thought she had survived our childhood. relatively unscathed. i mean, she found this super guy at the tender age of 19, and what a wonderful relationship they had. she is and was my idol! I idolized him as well, because he treated her so well, and so when i was in my self respecting stages (I was very good at wavering between self respecting and self destructing), then i would compare all men to him, and of course nobody measured up
but it turns out, that they had their stuff too! and i guess I knew that, because everyone has stuff. i just thought that her stuff was limited to me and our relationship, but. so in a huge way it is very sad, but in a little tiny way, i am a bit relieved, because i couldnt undestand how i came out so f****d up, and she came out so unscathed. NOT THAT I WANT HER TO BE DAMAGED. cause i wouldnt wish that on anyone. But, relieved in the sense that I am not like inherently doomed to be F****D up, but that our childhood was a bit warped, and had an affect on both of us.
this isnt coming out the way i want it to, and i dont want it to sound lke i am happy that she and D are broken up. cause i am not. and I am heartbroken for her that she was heartbroken (for a long time). i dont wish this on anyone.
but it makes me feel a little more normal. if that makes sense.
i suppose it has to do with putting someone on a pedestal (and that i am guilty of with S). she is my idol (funny that the big sister would say that of the little sister). but she is. because she got all the EQ, and an enormous amount of IQ, and is beautiful on the inside and the outside. she glows.
ok, i am sappy now.
speaking of sappy. I get teary whenever the news comes on concerning the presidential race, in particular news about Barack Obama. I am incredibly happy that our country has finally gotten to the point where a non-caucasian is a serious candidate for the president, and i get goosebumps when i think that the other serious contender was a woman. I truly underestimated my country. And I feel proud and in awe, and this makes me cry. It is already history! and I hope so hope he gets elected (for many reasons, not to mention he is the better candidate), but also for history's sake! What a wonderful legacy to pass onto B about her brand new country (she just became a US Citizen in January).
i am seriously considering moving back. Anyone know of a company looking for someone with an enormous amoutn of plant biology, botany, agriculture, breeding, and just enough data management knowledge to be dangerous, preferably a company that can help me out with childcare in such a way that i feel comfortable to leave B with someone for more hours than I get to spend with her, and also of course in an area of the country that has incredibly good schools with good language exposure, and a mild climate, and near to an airport that has non-stop flights to CLT and PBI?
is that too much to ask?
is it?